Through the Darkness to the Light

The blackness of depression and white hot panic of anxiety are always near me. Without warning they can flare up and make any day a struggle. If you live with these twins of despair, you know what they can do to you. Clouding your judgement and making even the simplest things difficult.

The other day was a good one...until it wasn't. I cannot fully explain what triggers my emotional response sometimes and it is with much trepidation that I even type these words. The dark and empty feeling when you cannot make sense of the world around you can trap you in a spiral of doubt and shame that is hard to pull out of. Add alcohol to the mix and it can burn hotter and longer than you intended to let it.

In the old days, I would respond to this mood by trying to drown it with cheap beer. I've talked about not going Full Polkaroo before and it is part of my journey through craft beer that I must acknowledge every time I crack open a new one. I no longer want to be that guy, so my response to the trials and tribulations of everyday life are much more thoughtful and measured now. At least I hope they are.
Earlier this week the clouds rolled into my mind and I couldn't shake them off. Nothing really was the cause, but I felt the crushing weight return and I was at a loss. Instead of responding with copious amounts of booze, I decided to wait it out. I had grabbed three tall boys of my favourite beers and considered just downing them to ease the pain, but I couldn't do it. My appreciation for a well crafted beer means I don't want to waste even one on trying to cover my feelings. As I stared at the cans in front of me, I tried to imagine what it would be like to not care about what I drank and just pound beers until I didn't feel anything anymore. It is a scary thing to know how far you can go to try to escape yourself, But as I have grown in the last year and learned about myself, I discovered a reserve of strength inside and put the cans back in the fridge. Not wanting to pound one beer in anger on a bad day was a triumph to me and it helped to lighten my mood.
It took the better part of two days for the sun to shine in my heart and while I knew I was off the rails, there was nothing to do but wait. I'm impatient at the best of times and that was part of the problem before. I knew that popping the top on ten or twenty Brava lights would make me feel better right now and that was all I needed. But the false happiness of those beers was soon followed by the realisation that my problems hadn't gone away, I was now hung over and still faced my own demons. The fact that I could enjoy my one beer and not give in to those old feelings was part of what helped my come out the other side in one piece. I enjoyed each of those beers in time and I was so glad I hadn't just pounded them mindlessly. I've learned that sometimes the best beer is the one you don't drink.
Bad days come to all of us, but it is our response to them that counts. Being aware of my own problems and not hiding from them is part of what I am doing in becoming a better person. I say it all the time, but it deserves repeating...Craft beer saved my life and I am grateful for that. I will continue to sing its praises and enjoy the wonderful and innovative flavours I find when I open the next one. Brighter days beckon and with summer coming, I am excited to see what's next.


Raise your glass and your standards!


Cheers!




Living out Loud

When I look back over the last few months I am struck by the rapidity of how the community of craft beer drinkers has both expanded and become closer through the simple act of sharing our pictures of what we're drinking on Instagram. I started doing it to keep track of what I was consuming and slowly it has morphed into my go to spot to see new beers, hang out (virtually) with new friends and make plans for future trips.

What's weird is how much I was separated from most forms of social media only a year ago. I had deleted my Facebook, didn't use Twitter and posted sporadically on Instagram. My only real outlet was Untappd and that was strictly to count beers and get badges. So what changed and made me into the Internet marauding Polkaroo I am today? Why as I approach my mid 40's do I feel the need to write blogs, beer reviews and other stories about my life? Is there a reason I make videos and talk about personal stuff while drinking a new beer? It's not an easy thing to expose all you are to a world that's increasingly fractured, hard and inward looking. But I couldn't live in darkness anymore and if I wanted to change, I needed to be loud about it.

I didn't sit down and map out a plan of how I would become the Drunk Polkaroo. It has been an organic journey that takes weird and wonderful turns that even I couldn't possibly have predicted. I have seen the very darkest parts of my soul take root and almost drag me down to the bottom of the well and sometimes I felt I deserved it. That kind of bleak outlook was an everyday part of my life for so many years and I don't think I can adequately explain what my depression and anxiety feels like to anyone because it feels so personal and sad. But when I started to see the light with the help of great beer, something just clicked.

I understand that some people think this is a joke, or that I am screwing around, but I assure you I am not. I legitimately have used Craft Beer to change my life and how I want to live it. By slowing down and trying to think about what I am drinking I have created a way of life that forces me to consider everything I do. It isn't about getting drunk anymore, it has become a gateway to a world I didn't know existed. While I do have at least one a night, it is in that moment that I explore my past, present and future. The beer has become the focal point only in that I savour every minute and allow the flavours to inspire my words. I am not the only one that this has happened to. I am joined in my quest by many people even if they don't realise it. Our love of well made, balanced brews has become a common thread that binds us together and it is when we meet online or in real life that we discover good people drink good beer.

I choose to Live out Loud and shun the darkness. I know my story is long and my past is littered mistakes, but I am compelled to confront them in order to make the future brighter. My life may be half over, but I truly believe the best part is yet to come. I refuse to quietly go away and hide from the dark things that chased me for so many years. We all have personal demons, I am no longer afraid of mine. Confronting my fears gives me power over them and that alone makes every day beautiful.
So what is the purpose and goal of all my digital and real life galavanting? I don't think I will ever truly know. There is a purpose in every word I write now and for someone who once had a promising future he threw away, that is a good start. I am constantly writing, whether it sees the light of day or not. Often times it is only to clear space in my head for the bright things I wish to do in the future and to address some doubt or sadness that creeps into my thoughts as I amble about. I am glad you come with me as I explore Craft Beer and the Polkaroo's own mind. I came so close to shutting myself off from the world not so long ago that I know what it feels like to be alone. I won't let that happen again. I can see the stars in my future are shining down on amazing beer from all over the world and it is in the quest for the next great brew that I can shout my love of life to the universe.
Raise your glass and your standards!
Cheers!