The Streak

 

November 21st, 2015 - December 8th, 2023

2939 days.

The Streak began without my knowledge, gained traction because I thought it would be interesting to see if I could write about beer on Instagram every day for a year and morphed into a weird ritual that was part of my daily routine for just a little over 8 years. 

6,664 beer and beer adjacent posts later, it came to an end and strangely enough, something changed almost as undetected as it had started. 

  I've loved the feeling of leaving behind the world with a couple of drinks for longer than I can remember. It goes back more than 3 decades and while there have been long stretches of sobriety in those years, it wasn't long before I had a bottle in my hand and was tipping more than a few back every weekend and the odd weekday too. I enjoyed many nights with friends, just shooting the shit about life, nothing too deep mind you, and indulging in the three beers to the truth we would joke about as the pints flew quickly and everything seemed so grand.

  Then came the fall of all I had been working for and slowly I watched as my business and then my grip on reality slipped away from me. I was torn down to my core, exposed and searching for the reason why I had failed so much at life when I thought I was going to succeed.  Being labelled a gifted kid with no real understanding or support system to help me direct my energy into making that something more than a grade school bully target and then derelict high school drop out gave me an odd sense of accomplishment as I looked at how much I had managed to accomplish, even with what I had thrown away. I reveled in the mundane destruction of it all.

  Through all those dark days, I did manage to keep up appearances, my mask slipping occasionally and the frightening sadness underneath would ooze out into the world, causing me to retreat further from those who knew me before everything changed. I didn't want to be around people who knew me as a good-time guy, that facade was a heavy burden I carried because I grew up with the lesson that men didn't talk about their feelings or troubles, you just carried on and did what you needed to do for your family. Isolating myself from who I used to be made everything harder but there was a small light at the end of the very long tunnel and lucky for me, it turned out not to be the 3:10 to Yuma barreling down on me.

  When I stumbled upon craft beer and the growing community online in late 2015, there was a sense of us against the big corporate macro brewers, the Rocky theme played out as we tried new styles of beer and got excited about cask nights, beer festivals and meeting like minded folks through our little pictures on Instagram. I pledged to drink a beer and write about it every day in 2016 and when I completed that, I just kinda kept going. It wasn't my intention to do all I have done since that November day in 2015, but who among us is the same person they were 8 years ago?

  I loved a lot of what those early days brought, I found solace in talking about my own mental health struggles through the lens of Mindful Drinking and trying to drink less but better. It was true in my heart in those days, I really did believe in everything I wrote and talked about in those much more innocent times, a veil of superiority cloaked every pint we poured and every picture we took. We thought we would change the world, but as the years have gone by, we have seen the same issues society at large faces come out in the stories of the terrible behaviour of so many people involved in craft beer and the increasing influence of the hidden cost of this liquid dream.

  I've spent the last few years leaning more into the drunk part of my life, the escapism associated with a couple, three beers a night. Big daddy pours of Rye and a desire to just leave it all behind every day was evident to anyone and I knew it deeply. I had reached a point of no return and saw no way to stop this rollicking mine cart careening down the mountainside without something drastic happening. I couldn't step away, even when I stopped caring our putting much more than a minimal effort into what I was doing online. The first half of 2023 saw me push myself to the most destructive thoughts I had felt in almost a decade and there seemed like only one way I wouldn't have a drink in my hand at some point every day and it didn't involve being above ground.

  But...

  Somehow, fate intervened again, and I was let go from a toxic, degenerate workplace that had helped me manifest the very worst of who I was each and every day, a path leading me to an early end and a decidedly tarnished one at that. I took a few weeks this summer to just be, to let go of a lot of the internal self hatred that often manifested itself in way too many drinks and seek perhaps a new path forward. I found a job that was exactly what I needed, a place where my most valuable asset was myself and slowly began to climb up and poke my head out of the hole I had created over the last half decade. I felt that it was time to find a way to change my own relationship with this character I had created and when Covid finally came calling on December 9th, 2023, I put down my phone, my glass and stopped the tap for the first time in 8 years. 

  It was terrifying, not in a sense that I would lose any sort of online credibility or presence, it was a nagging voice in my head that was telling me if I stopped doing something every day, it would be bad luck and I would soon be gone from this earth, dead by lack of routine. I know it's a mental thing, but those 5 days late last year where I not only stepped away from drinking, but all social media, was a revelation. I hate it when people announce they are leaving or taking a break from posting, it seems designed to troll for some kind of sympathy and honestly, it gives me bad vibes. I promised myself that when the day comes, I'll just delete my accounts, take the apps off my phone and walk away into the non-digital sunset without looking back. And for 120 hours, I did almost that, with perhaps 2 or 3 people checking to see if I was okay because I hadn't posted a beer every day. I felt free from the self-imposed daily grind, I felt loose and found myself not needing to create something every day to make my life make sense. 

  More non drinking days followed, not to say that I haven't had some grey moments in the last month and a half at all, but there was a severing of a very long cord to something from my past that I could not let go of and as 2024 dawned, I felt the path I was on had branched and I could now choose where I went next, empowered by my break, the next day could be whatever I made it, a fresh start with each morning. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a long way to go in terms with my mental health and my relationships, both with alcohol and with the people in my life. I know little of what I did for the last 8 years will have lasting impact on anyone but myself and the burden of proving I can change falls squarely on my beaten yet unbowed shoulders. I am not going to change in a short time, those Saturday night pints are still fun to me, but the possibility of change exists now like it hasn't since the beginning of all this.

  There has been a shift in my life since last September, but I am not someone who changes direction quickly, a large ship takes time to turn and I am just such a large ship. There is a new calm I find, one I can maybe seek out in larger chunks of time, away from the screen and the beer that brings me here. I don't want to stop doing all this just yet, I've found my inspiration and motivation to write again and it too is making a difference in how I feel, my mood is better and my self worth creeps higher whenever I can take the words from my notes and in my head and put it all together in one long form piece. But there is an exit, I see the possibilities of what comes next and for now, that is what I am focusing on.

  It was a helluva long ride, I'm not sure why it all happened, but the story is changing and I wanna be here to see where it goes, 

Thanks for coming along, I appreciate it more than I'll ever be able to say.

Polk

January 22nd, 2024

Let's talk about #BellLetsTalk

   I struggle a little with the #BellLetsTalk  every year and I wonder if there are more people like me out there who are unsure of how to discuss about what it means to see our timelines flooded with well meaning, but sometimes offkey attempts to talk about mental health. I see the people who rant about Bell's terrible corporate track record when it comes to their own employees and the small drop in the bucket this campaign raises in relation to their enormous profits. I understand that Bell operates the prison phone system and exploits those already burdened by having an incarcerated family member and just trying to stay in touch. None of this kind of quasi-bad guy, mostly terrible stuff is not lost on me, no corporation is in the business of doing anything but what it is legally obligated to do and that is to maximize returns on investments for its shareholders. I have no doubt that there exists a lot of positive spin and increased profit found by Bell when this campaign runs every year, even with the larger donations gathered by the use of the hashtag on multiple social media platforms.

  Every one of these things is true and yet I still wonder if, despite the underlying corporate bullshit, it isn't still worth something to at least try to reach out to those who feel like there is nothing left for them here on this often seemingly uncaring and chaotic planet. Seeing your favourite athlete or brewery or what have you addressing the issue of mental health may spark hope in someone, it may give them the feeling they maybe aren't alone in this. Maybe it gets them talking to a friend, or to pick up the phone and call a crisis line. Maybe, just maybe, having a large and very visible campaign aimed at increasing the normalcy of asking for help and of checking in on your friends and family to see how they are doing may have some positives attached to it, despite the originators ultimate advertising aims. 

  I've spent the better part of the last decade struggling, often in silence, to try and fix my own mental health issues. I didn't wake up one day falling apart, it was a quiet and measured descent as I watched my business fail and the life I thought I had crumble around me. It was the slow bleed of stress, working longer hours for less money and an devastating downfall from the highs of my 20's and 30's. I gave up most things that brought me joy, let decades long friendships dwindle and die and generally stopped celebrating the milestones of life most people mark the passing year with. I still feel the push of that negative thought process, birthdays and anniversaries are heavy because it often feels like another step closer to the end of it all. That kind of darkness is hard to fight by yourself and as you become more isolated because you know how to push people away because it is safer in your mind to be alone so no one can ever hurt you, you descend deeper into that funk. You turn to alcohol, drugs or other potentially destructive behaviours that seemingly ease the pain of the moment with little regard to the future, because it doesn't matter. Nothing does and you see no way up, no way out and the numbness sets in with every single turn of the cap, pill or shot. This pattern may be different with you or someone you love, but the result in the end is the same, a depression that lifts less and less each time and can drive people to the edge and over it because hope is all but gone.

  So, how do we fix it? How do you stop someone from hurting themselves or those around them when they see no alternative? It's much bigger than just a single day or hashtag campaign by a large corporation and their partners. It involves governments prioritizing the mental health of its' citizens as much as their physical one. It involves active engagement in the lives of those we love and it involves being honest with ourselves when we know we need help. Asking for someone to listen to your problems and concerns is hard at the best of times, I personally was always worried about bothering anyone and that kept me silent for many years before this. We seek to normalize the notion that it is okay to not be okay and things like therapy and medical help for our mental health should be a bigger priority for not just our families but our workplaces. We look to making the world a little more compassionate to those who need it or a taking a day when you just need a break from it all. We want to be able to look the people we love in the eye and tell them we aren't handling something well and need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen without judgement. 

 There is no quick fix or easy way to help one another outside of being there and reaching out to make sure the people we love are okay.  While a day like today is good and makes a whole lot of money for mental health initiatives, we need to remember that tomorrow and the next day and forever after that. Way too many people fall between the cracks of our social safety net and I know we don't want to lose someone because we waited too long to see that they were suffering in silence. Reach out to them, they may be too scared to do it themselves. Making our collective response to the mental health crisis we are facing today a positive and open one one because the world is better when we can help each other stand up and feel better.

  We want to talk about mental health, depression, suicide and self harm with an open honesty and despite the corporatization of mental health, the end result is we may be better off at least attempting to keep the conversation going long after this annual initiative has passed. Are there empty platitudes rolled out every year by a variety of brands and people who then recede into the background and often contribute to the problems we face rather than the solution? Of course and it is up to us as consumers to be informed and spend our money where we can support the places that truly value their employees mental and physical well being. At the end of it all, the hashtag can't be the whole conversation, it should just be the beginning...

Be safe and be kind.

Polk

I Drink (but not as much as you think)

"How much do you drink?"


  A serious and not so serious inquiry I get a lot of as a very public consumer of beer. I post daily, often multiple times and that leads people to believe I am in a permanent state of either being hungover or drunk. I will admit that a year and a half ago when I did The Truth in May challenge, I was a little shocked to hit 150 beers in a month, almost 5 per day. Hard to fathom for even me and it forced me to look at myself in the mirror a little harder going forward. 
  The last year or so I have been slowing down a little bit. Whether it was over-work or just plain beer burnout, I found myself starting later and consuming less...for the most part. There were still times I would go a little over the top and drink a few too many but those days are rapidly becoming an anomaly rather than a common occurrence. I find little joy in getting hammered and drinking just to drink, instead trying to only buy beers that I want to try and write about as a way to help me control my natural impulse to drink them all. Old favourites, such as Ransack the Universe, have been reduced to buying single cans so I am not tempted to pound a few after posting something on social media. Weird for anyone to do but I understand far more about my own predilection for over consumption now after 3 years exploring craft beer than ever before.

A good night but not every night

  I don't pretend to not be at least a mild alcoholic, addicted yet not overwhelmed. Perhaps a vague notion but as a person who knows all too well what it feels like to just let go and drown in a haze of booze for days on end, I feel different now. I have a fridge full of beer, 2 actually, and a cellar that is not unimpressive. I could easily get jacked many times a week without impacting my wallet too much but I really have stopped feeling the need or desire for that anymore. I detest feeling like garbage the day after and have little patience for myself when I step out of line when it comes to drinking. Finding a balance between a few and a few too many is at best a last ditch effort to avoid a return to complete drunkenness.
  I have become a little reclusive in the last year or so when it comes to festivals and hanging out. I began to see the social anxiety that plagued me from time to time become more prevalent when we were out and my natural tendency was to drink more to cover up the fact that I felt I didn't belong there. It is something I will have to address at some point and it only seems to bother me when I am at a gathering of a lot of people, like a beer festival. I quickly get overwhelmed and pursue beer after beer until I feel the buzz calming me down but that is often too late as I have passed the point of good decision making and leave my well trained control at the door.
  While it is easy to say I have a handle on my drinking, I am not naïve enough to think I am without fault or mistakes. I slip up. I make jokes about getting drunk and post encouraging things about booze on social media. I do it in fun, although with a grain of truth in there, part of me wishes life were a series of parties without consequence or work the next day to get in the way. My desire to drink has been met with a new respect for what I consume, a chance to enjoy without losing the battle for control. Having 2 or 3 pints and then putting the glass down for the night is easier and easier, often just 1 will be enough for me on most days. Do I want to just get hammered? I'd be lying if I said that kind of beautiful oblivion didn't have its appeal from time to time, but I desire it much less than I thought possible a few years ago.

Jaunty but mostly drunk

  As I continue to learn more about who I am while writing and creating with my beer, I lean hard on my words to keep me level. I post my beers on social media when I am having them for the same reason I have always talked about, it is my safety net to put the brakes on my impulse to consume more and more. The art of the picture has taken a bit of a back seat but the creativity has expanded with my poetry reappearing in my life when I needed it most. My love affair with beer will probably never end but it was in taking control of it that I found the words that I thought had abandoned me so many years ago return and bring me great joy. Finding other people who have done the same has given me even more reason to keep doing what I do. I want to see more voices and opinions about life, beer and what we make of it,
  See you on the other side, pints in hand.


Cheers!


Polk

This is Us, Craft Beer Edition.

 

Way back in the summer of 2015 when I first started writing about beer, it was for fun. I had no agenda, idea or coherent plan. I didn't set out to do anything special or create content. I didn't think it would lead to adventures, friendships and yes, the occasional free beer. Although on the latter I always thought (and still do) that if I got one it would be the coolest thing ever. I started it simply as a way to share what I was drinking with my friends as well as show that despite the troubles I was in at the time financially and personally, I was still alive and doing well.
  In December of that year, I did my first Beer Advent calendar and began to take a little more care in my photos and descriptions. I enjoyed thinking about what I was drinking and with some encouragement from friends, I put a little more effort into my words. I began the blog and videos to add to the initial Instagram page because it was fun. It was a way to express myself even more and as anyone who follows along here, it has turned into a personal journey as well as a beer one. Revealing parts of my life that I had hidden away helped to heal old wounds and bring up emotions I hadn't felt in years. It helped me connect with people on another level and despite some trepidation at the nature of what I was revealing, it was cathartic and did my soul some good.
  While craft beer is always my main focus, I began to see how the platform I was on could do some good for other people. I talked about depression, infertility, starting over and alcohol abuse to name just a few. I believe in being honest about everything I write and I think that's why I have made so many great connections over the last 2 years. People who drink good beer are, for the most part, good people. I've encountered few folks I wouldn't want to share a pint with and for this guy, that's the very golden pot at the end of the Rainbow.

  I see new craft beer focused accounts and people all the time popping up on social media. Groups of friends are getting together to share a page and even more great beer. Some stunning photography and creative video clips are showing up and it is only helping to promote the community even more. The enthusiasm of many of the newcomers is infectious and the friendships you see being made are awesome, all because we love great beer. But not everyone is doing it for the right reasons or in an honest and straightforward way.
  Within any community there will be people who want to exploit and lie their way to a position of prominence. Whether it is to make themselves feel important or for financial gain, it matters not. Paying for followers, acting like you're better than everyone else and generally shilling for free shit is not what the majority of craft beer drinkers stand for and when I see it, I want to call it out. I don't understand what makes a person pay actual money to get fake followers, fake friends and ultimately a fake life. I do what I do because it is who I am. The Drunk Polkaroo was a persona I created as a joke on my stupid drunken days and the promises I would make when I was snackered to do things with people and then flake on when I was sober. I didn't plan out a "brand" or target breweries with promises of increasing their business. For myself and most of the others who share our pics and stories on social media, we do it for fun, to connect with like minded folk and maybe share a pint in  real life. Phony accounts run by someone with an agenda or a marketing plan is, in my opinion, the opposite of what the majority of us do. We share our pics and stories because we care about the beer, genuinely want to meet people and enjoy being part of something that allows us to interact with the small businesses we support.

  The community of craft beer is at its core a place where we make friends, real or virtual, enjoy the creativity and design of the breweries we love and the people we follow. It has grown so much in such a short amount of time that I can hardly believe it. New styles of beer and amazing takes on traditional ones keep us hoping for a trade or beer saint gift with others. Road trips mean an opportunity to meet up in person and share a pint with those we've become such good friends with online. Being able to communicate our finds and what is new at our local breweries sparks conversation and inspires us to want to visit. We do it with pride and want the beer world to know about the latest release from places near to our hearts. We post old favourites because we love them and enjoy them regularly. But most of all, we just want to share a little bit of our life, the good and bad sometimes, with the world. We want to be part of something bigger than us and we have found that in beer. Stay true to yourself, always share honestly and keep those photos, stories and videos coming, they bring a smile to my face every single day. And remember to always Raise your glass and your standards, One beer at a time.

Cheers!


Polk

Living out Loud

When I look back over the last few months I am struck by the rapidity of how the community of craft beer drinkers has both expanded and become closer through the simple act of sharing our pictures of what we're drinking on Instagram. I started doing it to keep track of what I was consuming and slowly it has morphed into my go to spot to see new beers, hang out (virtually) with new friends and make plans for future trips.

What's weird is how much I was separated from most forms of social media only a year ago. I had deleted my Facebook, didn't use Twitter and posted sporadically on Instagram. My only real outlet was Untappd and that was strictly to count beers and get badges. So what changed and made me into the Internet marauding Polkaroo I am today? Why as I approach my mid 40's do I feel the need to write blogs, beer reviews and other stories about my life? Is there a reason I make videos and talk about personal stuff while drinking a new beer? It's not an easy thing to expose all you are to a world that's increasingly fractured, hard and inward looking. But I couldn't live in darkness anymore and if I wanted to change, I needed to be loud about it.

I didn't sit down and map out a plan of how I would become the Drunk Polkaroo. It has been an organic journey that takes weird and wonderful turns that even I couldn't possibly have predicted. I have seen the very darkest parts of my soul take root and almost drag me down to the bottom of the well and sometimes I felt I deserved it. That kind of bleak outlook was an everyday part of my life for so many years and I don't think I can adequately explain what my depression and anxiety feels like to anyone because it feels so personal and sad. But when I started to see the light with the help of great beer, something just clicked.

I understand that some people think this is a joke, or that I am screwing around, but I assure you I am not. I legitimately have used Craft Beer to change my life and how I want to live it. By slowing down and trying to think about what I am drinking I have created a way of life that forces me to consider everything I do. It isn't about getting drunk anymore, it has become a gateway to a world I didn't know existed. While I do have at least one a night, it is in that moment that I explore my past, present and future. The beer has become the focal point only in that I savour every minute and allow the flavours to inspire my words. I am not the only one that this has happened to. I am joined in my quest by many people even if they don't realise it. Our love of well made, balanced brews has become a common thread that binds us together and it is when we meet online or in real life that we discover good people drink good beer.

I choose to Live out Loud and shun the darkness. I know my story is long and my past is littered mistakes, but I am compelled to confront them in order to make the future brighter. My life may be half over, but I truly believe the best part is yet to come. I refuse to quietly go away and hide from the dark things that chased me for so many years. We all have personal demons, I am no longer afraid of mine. Confronting my fears gives me power over them and that alone makes every day beautiful.
So what is the purpose and goal of all my digital and real life galavanting? I don't think I will ever truly know. There is a purpose in every word I write now and for someone who once had a promising future he threw away, that is a good start. I am constantly writing, whether it sees the light of day or not. Often times it is only to clear space in my head for the bright things I wish to do in the future and to address some doubt or sadness that creeps into my thoughts as I amble about. I am glad you come with me as I explore Craft Beer and the Polkaroo's own mind. I came so close to shutting myself off from the world not so long ago that I know what it feels like to be alone. I won't let that happen again. I can see the stars in my future are shining down on amazing beer from all over the world and it is in the quest for the next great brew that I can shout my love of life to the universe.
Raise your glass and your standards!
Cheers!