Proof of Life...

 170 beats per minute.

At rest...

Was I scared?

Was?

Still am...

It's been a roller-coaster of a week and a half, actually more like a decade of descent, but it came to a head last Monday and while I know it could be a whole lot worse than it is, nothing prepares you for the very first time you truly stare at your own mortality in the mirror and not be sure you're coming out the other side of this one to the good.

I've been struggling with a lot of physical pain lately, the old flat feet giving me trouble, which I thought was leading to my extreme tiredness and shortness of breath, just another thing to power through and get past, I've always prized myself on my high pain tolerance, even though I always knew, in the back of my mind, that it wasn't smart to ignore your body's warning signs when they started going off like a 5 alarm fire bell, but that's who I am and how I got here I suppose.

After a couple weeks of this kind of feeling, last Monday I finally broke down and hobbled myself to the local emergency room, St. Joe's ambulatory care in the east end of The Hammer to be precise, figuring they'd give me some drugs to take away my foot pain and that would help take care of the breathing, et all...I was spectacularly wrong and thanks to the very quick and professional care, I started a week like I've never had before.

After registering, I waited a few minutes before being called up to the triage nurse, who got the blood pressure cuff on and the oxygen sensor clipped on before cutting our convo short with exactly why I've been unable to catch my breathe for days on end...and that sent us to the front of the line as we headed in the back.

My heart rate was hovering well above 170 beats a minute, at rest, a dangerous, marathon like hammering that was assuredly something I couldn't just shrug off. Quickly I was hooked up to a couple of machines, IV line run and my brief medical history taken before I was given something to try and begin to undo what I had done over 5 decades of doing what I do...I cannot be more thankful for the nurses and doctors all along the way, but those first few minutes were crucial to me, I felt the seriousness of what was happening, but also felt reassured that I was in the best hands I could be in.

Funny enough, my first question was if I'd be able to go to work Tuesday, a silly thought as my heart raced and my breath still fell short, the nurse told me I'd be headed by ambulance to St. Joe's proper for far more intense care than they could provide at Emergency, the cardiac unit was my destination and home for the next 4 days, although at the time I still figured I'd be out and about by the next day...equal parts delusion and hope, I've got by on less for years.

My first ambulance ride, first overnight hospital stay in 3 decades and more medical attention than I've ever had in my life followed, days and nights of compassionate care, tests on tests and some serious reflection on how I ended up where I was, feeling lucky I had Kat by my side, but also knowing that alone with my thoughts, I wondered if I could change enough to do what I know needs to be done.

I'll always be grateful for the compassionate care I received, a diagnosis of atrial fibrillation and a long talk with the cardiologist about my lifestyle and what came next, followed by 3 attempts to shock the old ticker into a proper rhythm hit hard but I am committed to trying to be a better living human, of only so I can have a beer again...I know, I know...

(All this above was written Thursday September 26th as I waited to be released...)

Sitting here a week after my release, I've been reflecting on what I wrote there as I pondered the future. It's a much smaller amount of time than I have lived, I may live long, but hitting 102 is probably a stretch...but maybe I have 30 years or more left if everything goes my way and I'd certainly like to stick around to see what happens before I do hit the swinging doors on that dive bar underground I know I'm destined for. 

But still I am left wondering, Did I do this to myself? My not quite hedonistic, but clearly indulgent lifestyle absolutely played a factor in this, most of whatever ails me can be attributed to my own faults and while there are other factors at play, the only one I can control is how I respond to this right now.

I'd like to think I'm up to the challenge.

We've been talking for a while about a lifestyle change, I've been desperately unhappy with myself as a human, knowing I needed to do something, anything, to break out of the moat sized rut I found myself trudging around in day after seemingly endless day...the small hope from this moment is that I actually can do just that, I can find a way to truly change my trajectory and still be who I am deep down in my soul. It's more than cutting back on all the things I eat and drink that are no good for me it's about getting up and believing I can be part of the world again, forgetting trying to relive the past and the golden vision I have of who I think I was. It's real easy to get lost in the things were better back then mantra, but why can't it also be that things will be better tomorrow too?

I don't know the answer today, I do know I haven't had a beer in 10 days and in that time I didn't think about it that much. I love a good beer buzz and do not envision a future without a pint or 2 on a Saturday night, but I think my days of over indulging my inner barfly are really over. I like being alive way more than any beer out there, although with Headstock, it's a pretty close call...kidding...but not really...

Thanks to everyone who wondered where I've been the last little while, I honestly didn't know what to say, but the couple of folks who reached out meant the world to me. I'll be back, I got nowhere else to go where I can talk about all the nonsensical and serious things that cross my mind. I'll try and keep y'all updated a little more, much like a wounded animal, my instinct in pain is to take to ground until I'm better. 

Somewhat like this post, things are still a little disjointed, although I am 100% on the mend, back at work and feeling positive about what is to come. Who knows where it all goes...life's supposed to be about the ride, not the destination amd I want mine to go on much, much longer...

Polk

October 3rd, 2024