On one side, we've got the good times Polk, the drunkard who loves to let go and seeks the haze that only a half dozen beers and a full glass of whiskey can bring. He seeks the nostalgia of a past that sometimes isn't just seen through rose coloured glasses, it's outright delusional. But he relaxes. He takes the weary mind and the world gone mad and just let's them go. He watches his favourite movies and shows and has not a care in the world except for his next drink and he gets to drift away into the night, careless and thoughtless.
The other side, Sober Polk, hangs off me like an ill-fitting suit two sizes too small. The biggest problem I have run into being sober for an entire calender year is the unrelenting reality of the world around me. Living through the entire last year without a hazy filter or escape has led me down some pretty dark paths and while I know intellectually that drinking too much is part of why I'm where I am today, I still can't help but miss it dearly. Sober Polk is a quieter guy, but he rages underneath and sometimes that bubbles through unintentionally. I feel like I have begun to care less about things that used to be important, maybe to not have to feel any emotion or maybe to shield myself from the temptation to say "Fuck it", and pour the last of my whiskey from a year ago and fire the whole thing up again. It would lead to my demise faster than I'd like, but somedays, sober me gets the feeling that he isn't afraid of that anymore.
That I haven't given into my lesser angels this year has been a surprise to me for sure. I remember lying in that hospital bed trying to figure out and bargain with whatever the universe is to be able to just go back to living as I had been. What part of my intellect was I suppressing to try and make that work is beyond me, because I knew life was changing and would never be the same again...but then it kind of has been, just without any release from reality and responsibility. I wanted it all to just be a big misunderstanding and it has turned into an internal struggle for my very existence. I know I am better now than I was a year ago and I have an incredible opportunity to further take my health in a better direction with the help of many professionals, part of a bariatric/heart health study I have agreed to be part of. I like when they ask me if I drink and I can honestly say 2 or 3 beers a week. 1 specialist asked if I could go completely dry and, without hesitation, I said "Yes.".
And I meant it.
I have come to enjoy my pursuit of the best in non-alcoholic beers over the last 9 months plus. I've found some incredible gems among the almost 200 different offerings I've been able to find. The ability to keep writing and talking about some kind of beer is part of what keeps me sane and around. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't do even that little escape into what I love to do. But as I have learned in the last year, I am capable of change, even if I fight myself all the way through it.
I need to lose a lot of weight still, apparently it wasn't the beer after all, I know, I was surprised too. I need to reevaluate my relationship with food and the how and why I eat the way that I do. I need to become more active, even if it scares to take the first step on a walk that could alter my life forever. The things I seek exist in the wisps of the future that stretch out into the unknown. I am not sure if I am truly capable of the next steps, I honestly have been fighting myself for so long that I am sometimes lost as to how to get myself unstuck. But I have hopes that with professional help, including some much needed therapy for my mental health, I can find some new tools to help me find a way forward into an even brighter future.
Thanks for all the support to everyone who's reached out in the last year. Your kind words have meant the world to this old fella and I appreciate every message, DM and comment I get. I don't wanna go anywhere, I still got a lot left to say.
Cheers!
Polk
09/22/25
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