Me...Part 2

 

Yesterday...was yesterday.

I scraped every part of my life that I hated and fed it into my anxiety and depression for no other reason than the oddly satisfying feeling of hating myself. It happens from time to time and while I try to keep the darkness at bay, it still comes hard into my day from time to time and must be acknowledged and recognized for what it is. 

None of us here shows our entire self when we talk about beer. We look to showcase the best of what is in our glass  and our life because we dont want to seem weak or different from anyone else. While I'm sure most people do this social media thing for a lark and to feel like they are part of something special and different, I stay because it is a real and true chance to try and keep a little part of me alive. So you bear witness to me at my best, my worst and more often, my middle of the road, drink a beer because we love it, personality. Be good to each other, check in on your friends and try to make time to listen and be listened to....we only get one chance at this and I don't want to miss a moment.

Cheers!

Me...Part 1

  Yesterday I was low. I felt lost and alone.

It isn't a new feeling, I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life quietly and alone because my generation of men was taught you shut up and dealt with your shit on your own, never asking for help.  So I wrote this and usually I would delete it and never let it leave my drafts...but today I want you to know it is okay to feel broken, to ask for help and to acknowledge and feel empty and lost without fear of losing everything in your life, including that life...I have a positive response to this coming up, but I want the truth to see the light.

This is what I said....

.

.

.

47. 

I'm fucking tired.

I've made a lot of bad choices, stupid decisions and just plain mistakes to get to tonight. I've lied to myself with equal aplomb as I did to anyone else. I've let the easy path of self inebriation and darkness shield me from my own poor decisions which have left me empty and often alone in a world I struggle to be a part of in any sense of the word.

 I don't belong, I never have...but here I am.

I'm not sure what it is all about, most days I'm not sure I should even be here to even ponder such a question. 

The time spent is not equal to the time left and that leaves me scared and anxious but somehow relieved that the long days journey into night will have a potentially merciful end...

I'm trying, but somedays I don't know why I bother.

Fin.

Shacklands Brewing Tripel

  Feeling my years some days. 

  Not quite 5 decades into this life, the road ahead is uncertain as the time spent is not likely equal to the time to come. While we are promised nothing as we go along, we can choose to drink good, do good and be good in all our actions. The moments are all we have, all we may remember at the end and all that remains when we have moved onto whatever awaits us beyond this mortal world. I promise I have no insight to give except to say it is always within us to be better and to learn from each day something to carry forward to the next I support Shacklands Brewing because they are real and true in their intentions. Yes they make some of the finest Belgian style ales on either side of the Atlantic, but it is their moral compass, their actions and words writ large in all they do, even brewing beer, thay makes them so damn memorable to me. Making a difference, small or big, in an individual's life, a community or a larger stage is all about being more than the sum of what you started with and I will sleep well having written these words and enjoying this beautiful Tripel because I was able to support people I care about and enjoy a moment of respite from the world while I do it. 

   Bold and spicy, coriander, bubblegum and banana, orange and dry with a full and warming finish, it continues the tradition of Shacklands excellence and also helps deliver a little smile in a day that needed one. 

   Look for kindness and your chance to add to the good in the world, we leave nothing but our memories when we go. Make sure yours are kept for longer than you could ever imagine. Cheers! 4.5/5

Reflections on time and loss

 

Loss and grief come untethered to a timeline of our choosing. We lose people we love and care for without warning and even when we know the final bell will toll, we remain wholly unprepared for the absence of their presence in our world. Whether it be someone you see or talk to on a daily basis or a somewhat less tangible connection, the fact that person exists on this planet always means there is a chance to connect with them again at some unknown point in the future. That tomorrow of tomorrows we always promise and when that no longer exists, you feel a tug on your own mortality and see the fragile peace you have made with existence for however many years you have been here.
  We walk through so many days in a sort of lackadaisical shrug toward the routines that bind us. Work, home, school, family, friends and a myriad of variations on those themes propel us forward as the clock ticks, winding down days left even as we seek to speed up the boring, mundane ones to get to the special days off and other celebrations we use to spice up a life often left searching for more meaning. But in seeking a sped up life, we leave behind days that contained small moments of joy and love that we should seek to hold onto because all too soon, they are gone and we wonder where the time went.
  Truth be told, we are all guilty of wanting to get through a day, a week or some longer time frame all through our lives. To get past a particularly troubling time like right now during this pandemic times, we seek the end and a release from what we deem a "new normal" that is anything but. We want to get through the work week to the weekend, through the winter to the spring, from the pain to some relief. But how many days do we leave behind that we would love to have one more just like it when the final bill comes due? How many silly and seemingly innocuous times spent quietly enjoying a day that we then felt we had wasted because we weren't productive would we like to have back at the end of our days?  Every day isn't special, but every single day we get is one less we have left to be here and since we have no knowledge of when that tally runs out, maybe it is time to slow down, even a little, and make it last.
  Embrace your everyday and leave a legacy of love for those who will mourn you. Give them a smile through the tears and a spark of laughter when they speak of you with wistful remembrance. The only thing that lasts is how you treat people, how you made them feel and that is the thing we hold most dear when we miss the ones we love who have left us all too soon for our liking.


Polk

Canada Day 2020 - It's Complicated

My relationship with beer is just as complicated as my one with Canadian history and for that matter, present day. It's not easy to change your world view, to learn and grow and understand that while I am incredibly lucky to be born here, a white male and from a fairly compact and supportive family, being proud of this country needs a little work. If I do anything to distinguish myself or bring joy to people,if I can use my voice for good, then maybe I can feel better or prouder of being Canadian.
  Our relationships with the Indigenous population has particularly become something I want to spend more time with, it vexes me that to this day, so many know nothing of the Residential school system, the genocide that occurred around the founding of this country and the sheer lack of attention to the continuing problems of their communities, including more than 60 that do not have access to clean water. Imagine that in 2020, during a global.pandemic and you have to boil your water before you can use it to wash your hands. Imagine the government taking your children away and sending them to the predatory catholic run schools far from home to try and assimilate them, wiping out your culture in the process. There are countless reports of the continuing mistreatment of  Indigenous people by the RCMP, local and provincial police forces, not to mention the shady dealings of those in power who  have yet to finish promises made long ago and today. So I rant, so I learn and so I shall continue to try and help educate and enlighten, myself and anyone who cares to do more than double click another beer pic.
  The beer in question, @bellwoodsbeer 5.4% Can Conditioned Saison Maison is another delightful pint of beauty from the minds of those residing at Bellwoods. It has all the hallmarks of the style, lots of orange with lemon, bubblegum and clove, banana and a dry peppery back with more lingering spice and citrus.
  Beer gave me a chance to talk to the world, my love of this country and the hope we can right the wrongs committed in its name drives me.
Be good.
Do good.
Drink good.
Cheers! 4.25/5

Life in the clouds...

I talked about this beer a couple of days ago, @collectivebrew has released a series of 4 new labels on their core DDH DIPA Life in the Clouds in support of Pride Month that featured work from 4 members of the Queer community. A portion of proceeds from the sale of these cans will be donated to @rainbowrailroad and that is also part of their newly set up charitable arm, @collectivemore.
While I loved all of the artwork, this part of @hellomynameiswednesday's design has stuck with me in the days since I first talked about this initiative. I grew up in a hetero normative family, blue collar, old school. I saw my parents love for each other as an extension of the world around me and felt the most normal thing in the world was to be just like them. Meet a girl, fall in love, get married and beyond. It never dawned on me that LGBTQ2+ people did not have this experience, in fact felt the polar opposite and encountered anger, fear and resistance to who they loved and who they were. It takes me back to think that it might be so many years of a person's life before they see someone who is just like them, who can confirm what they feel and experience and who can show them they are not alone. I cannot imagine the feeling because I do not have the experience, but it doesn't mean I won't try to learn and support anyone who needs it. There were times in my own life when I didn't know who I was, but I never felt the fear of coming out and facing rejection from those I love. My parents taught me that love is love is love and who you are a person mattered more than the colouring your skin or who you loved.
Are you good?
Are you kind?
Do you make those around you feel better?
These things mattered far more than anything else, we were taught to always see the world as bigger than ourselves but it took me more years and scars of my own to find that truth for myself.
This can is going on the wall of fame, it will continue to make me reflect and consider my words and world beyond myself....
Be good.
Do good.
Drink good.

Here I Am - Inspired by Merit Brewing

  I often ponder being Canadian. I used to say I was proud to be Canadian, our healthcare, while not perfect, was not dependent on having insurance or money. That we were better than our cousins to the south when it came to a whole host of  social issues and just that general smugness that comes from being part of the Great White North. Lots of learning as I get older and I know that I'd be more accurate to say I'm lucky to be Canadian. Lucky to have been born here to good parents, lucky to be a white male, that forgives a whole host of shit that would have had different outcomes if I wasn't just that and lucky that I have the opportunity to change how I see the world, how to make it better and use this platform to lift up other folks. It's a good time to change your perspective, the shades of Canada as a perfect place need to be raised and the institutional racism against people of colour and especially our shameful past and present treatment of the indigenous population needs to be laid bare, addressed and fixed in order for us to have some of that pride restored. This country is home to and was built by the hands and sweat of immigrants, on the backs of the people who were here first and with the labour of those forced by colour or race to do so.
  Just a little bit of my mind as I hold this new Merit Brewing release, Here I Am, in my hand and marvel at just how fucking lucky I really am. I get to drink some of the finest beers in the country and they come minutes from my home. I'm privileged to be able to afford them and this place and I know that and feel it every day. Merit does good stuff around Hamilton, Tej and Spinney bring heart and soul to everything they do and I am proud to call them my friends. The beer? A 6.3%  Hazy IPA with orange and grapefruit pith and dank pine on the back, it's damn good.
  Sometimes the beer inspires me, I hope I can keep that going. Cheers! 4.5/5

Not a beer review but still a beer review

My usual day consists of working 10 hours, coming home and drinking a few beers with a post on Instagram. For almost 5 years I've gone that. Today I will not put a beer review on that site, my most followed and perhaps influential social media portal.
Why? Well, it has everything to do with love and taking a stand on what can no longer be allowed. The systematic racism that pervades black lives all over the world is now being witnessed large and live on TV as the United States reels from the murder of George Floyd and the protests and marches that now enter their 8th day with little sign of stopping. Today on Instagram was about taking a pause, engaging with the community of black creators and amplifying their voices.
So that's what I did and while I'll drop my review here because I need it for my admittedly privileged reasons, it is but a little mental exercise for this old guy.
Inswrt weird beer review for my mental health...Forked River Interstalar IPA rolls into the Grotto at 6.5%, 55 IBUs and with a sunshine laden afternoon ahead, delight inside. A biscuity toasted malt body with light touches of caramel give way to pithy grapefruit and orange with a hint of dank and a resinous pine back. Bitter and harkening back to the classic west coast IPAs I love so much, I'm sold on this one. Cheers! 4/5

There you have it, I keep my decidedly silly daily bee review streak going, even though it means nothing at all in the grand scheme of the world today.
Stay safe, be kind and take stock of what you believe, time is now to stand up and be heard.

Drunk at the Pandemic

Sobriety optional.
  Well, not really, but it sure feels like it some days as we go 4 or 5 deep in search of relief from the grind of being essential, not essential or somewhere in between. The jokes about rising alcoholism have a dark undercurrent of truth and I'll be the first one to admit my tweets and other social media postings are part meant to poke fun at myself and part a glimpse into a world gone mad with social distance. While not a super social person to begin with, the sense that I can do nothing except go to work and come home leaves me feeling stressed on top of the other stresses of dealing with the general public and working in a restaurant kitchen where you are often elbow to elbow with your co-workers. You begin to feel like a machine, a cog that turns round awaiting the next crank of the wheel taking you back into the world, suspicious of anyone who walks through the door, at times grateful to be working and other times terrified of having to do so. We have no training or previous time to refer back on to help give us a sense of what to do or what will come next and the longer this goes on, the more cracks begin to appear in our supposed united front. And these cracks are not just between people who think we've been too harsh and others who know this must continue for much longer than we realise. The divisions come from within and that is where I struggle the most.
  At the very best of times, I turn to a pint or two after work for a little liquid relaxation, most often sticking to that the majority of my time. Sure I have a beer every day, but it is usually just the one...until it isn't. Sliding into near alcoholism has long been a personal demon I felt like I kept at bay because I always felt that I did my job, provided for my family and didn't devolve every day into a mess of booze. Truth be told, without kids, I guess my responsibilities kind of end when my shift does because I literally do what I want after that. I long ago left guilt or feelings that I must do this or that family or societal function behind, secure that my personal space was all I needed or wanted. The pressure to do things was less and less as time went on and we established a fairly routine life that was a perfect fit for who we are. A little heavy on the beer from time to time, but for the most part in control.
  Then Jinx died, the pandemic hit and the whole flimsy façade came crashing down in a very real way. Turning to that buzz, the numbing of the world and the forgetting everything became easier with every passing day. Coming home to a pint or two before dinner, 5 or 6 more after and repeating for days on end became the new norm, easy to feel nothing than deal with what felt like everything. The incredible ease with which beer could be delivered to my house certainly has changed the game, picking up a 24 of  an IPA just to drink was something I hadn't done in years and that kind of abundance allows me to indulge my whims whenever I desire. Good or bad, beer delivers me from the day behind and prevents the worry of the day ahead to cloud right damn now. It isn't something I am comfortable with to be sure, but it is real and I am most likely not alone in an increased consumption. I see it, I feel it in every post my online friends make, the need for connection feeding the need for more and more release. We are a social bunch, this pandemic has driven us to seclude in our homes and that is felt most in our mental health while we struggle to wrap our heads around the months ahead.
  This feels disjointed, I usually write from a spark and go from there, revisions minimal and editing almost never. I have no energy for creating anything most for the time, finding my mind has little patience for a vision further than my next pint. While I can pop off a video and a few beer reviews a day, I feel the pandemic slips in more and more and have no problem addressing how I am feeling while still talking about what I'm drinking. It is a weird place to be now, trying to be responsible while also not completely falling apart every single day. I will be the first person to tell you and truthfully admit without hesitation that I desire that feeling 2 or 3 beers gives me every day. I wonder if tomorrow I might wake up with a fever, cough or worse not wake up at all, the stress cannot be good for anyone, let alone a dude pushing way over his ideal weight heading into the back half (third?) of life. Every ache and pain of the day behind me ricochets into a near panic and those pints help calm that beast, every time.
  When I wake up every morning, I look myself in the mirror and say today we will just have one pint when we get home. I even believe myself and head out into the world with hope that it will be a good shift ahead of me. I go forward with an eye to safety and making sure we do all the right things, but with so much unknown, so many things changing daily, it can feel overwhelming and by the time I step back in the door at home, 1 turns to 3 and off we go. Rarely falling down drunk, but seeking a balance to the uneasy feeling that climbs all day long, I wish I could say it will end anytime soon. I am trying to express how I feel and not just drink those feelings away, being mindful that it impacts the people around me, even if they aren't physically here. I try to be more aware, but I am so easily led astray by my own weakness for comfort, seeking any kind of break from the world around me.
  I don't really know what's next, I don't know that this exercise does much good for anyone or even myself. What I do know is that we are not alone in experiencing these feelings of living through history, aware that this will not be over soon and that collectively we will change in some way after we come though the other side of  pandemic unlike anything we've ever seen. I might be a drunk, but at least I'm at home.
Stay safe, try to keep it together as best you can and maybe we can go for a walk before we crack that first beer of the day...it will do us all some good.


Polk

Beer Delivery in a Brave New World

 

The changing landscape of Ontario beer will no doubt be shaken further by the current pandemic, even with the pivot to delivery, same day and otherwise, some of your favourite places will struggle as the nation hunkers down and tries to slow the spread of Covid-19. The taproom explosion of the last couple of years has screeched to a halt and the money invested with hopes of an expanded in house experience driving sales has definitely evaporated into the ether. This is the crux of what we will see in the coming weeks as the cash flow turns slower, people who have stocked up and bought far more than they usually do in an attempt to support the industry will have to come down to earth about their ability to order $50 to $100 of product at a time, with or without delivery charges. The challenge will be to find value for every purchase, balanced between regular offerings, seasonal and a potential dwindling of new beers as taking chances on things not proven to appeal to consumers on a larger scale will be a risk many brewers will not be able to take. Look for lots of hazy IPAs, kettle sours and other things that can return money to the coffers with some reliability.
  With all this in mind, let's take a look at how some of the factors will play out as we look to get more of our favourite beers delivered to our door and stay the fuck home. All of this is anecdotal, stuff I see and hear out on the fringes of the world. 

Selection
  This will be the first and most difficult thing you will see at a lot of places. While you may have become accustomed to a wide variety of styles and options when you would stop in at certain breweries, many have a much more limited online offering and that is no mistake of oversight. Be it less staff or volume to brew new things, a focus on core brands to generate revenue in the 4, 6, 12 or 24 pack format or a realisation that people are looking to drink a little more comfort beer (i.e. styles and brands they know and trust), brewers wanting to keep the lights on and the mash tun in water, malt, yeast and hops will cater to what brings the dollars in. Lagers will remain an easy hit for larger brewers who have the space to properly store them until ready, while we may see a spike in Kveik yeast beers because of their quick turnaround times. Hazy, sour and crushable will see a rise as they remain the go-to for so many who drink craft beer, either new or long time adherents.

Delivery Charges/Schedules
  I will admit, this is where I struggle the most for beer online, the added cost of shipping will temper what many of us can spend simply because adding $10 to $20 dollars means less for actual beer. Whereas I would stop in at various LCBOs around town a couple times a month and buy 1 or 2 of the new stuff , I now have to factor in a shipping charge and my beer budget doesn't grow accordingly. Lucky that some close by breweries have free local delivery (over a certain amount spent, of course) and many still have curbside, pre-order contactless pick up, so that option remains if you have transportation and the time to do it as we try to stay out of the crowd to protect our family and slow the growth rate of this virus. I understand the need for the charges, eating them would almost certainly bankrupt some folks, it is nonetheless part of the consideration now.

Formats/Minimum Buys
  Never a popular thing, the forced 4 pack (or more) buy rankled some folks even before the events of 2020 changed how we buy our beer. So many of us are looking to buy 1 or 2 of everything new and rarely buy a 24 of anything, sprinkling favourite beers into the mix on a weekly basis. Now with the move to online ordering, smaller staffs and the need to move enough beer to make shipping viable, we see the rise of minimum buys as the norm. Some brewers have only 12 or 24 packs, others allow the mixing of 4 packs to fill 24 or 48 minimum orders and some don't care as long as you hit their minimum dollar amount to ship it out. I completely understand the logistics of the smaller staff, spreading people out to minimize contact as they pack all these orders and continuing to support them as best we can. But I would like at least the option to make my 24 4 different 6 packs at a minimum, that's all I'm saying.

Time
  I used to stop by various local breweries on a semi-regular basis to get whatever new stuff happened to be out, maybe a couple of favourites and be on my way. LCBO on the way home from work, easy and simple. Now things are much different and if we want to help flatten the curve, we need to stay home and that means avoiding the LCBO or any sort of public space whenever possible. But if you want delivery, you need to take into account the time factor, how long it will take from order to glass and that will drive a lot of folks even more hyper local. Many breweries are using staff who would otherwise be laid off to help deliver beer in a local circle, from a small handful of postal codes close to home for the smaller ones to cross province same day for the ones with the staff and logistics to get that done. A nominal fee of $5 or more likely than not free will drive people closer to home and I am proof of that with Nickel Brook, Collective, Merit and Clifford all getting beer to my house on the cheap. But you have to plan far more than you would, the lines especially will be long at provincial liquor stores this weekend, crowds are not your friend during a pandemic. Order, but make sure you know when and how long it will take to get to you so you can ration and keep yourself stocked up.

  I have no special insight, no crystal ball as to how this all turns out. Best case scenario, we see the curve flatten, summer may see a slight lifting of restrictions and some normalcy, but the more likely scenario is that we are in this for a long haul. September isn't out of the question and even then we will not go back to life as it was in early 2020. How many breweries have the resources, the ability to pivot to delivery and curbside and the appeal to keep people interested in their product has yet to be seen, but I have little doubt we are weeks away from a few shuttering their doors. Not all of those will be temporary and while it is a small thing in a sea of bigger concerns, it breaks my heart to see people lose a dream when they did nothing wrong except have it in the time of reckoning for a world that wasn't ready.

Want to find out who is delivering, how much and where? Check out the Ontario Beer Delivery Index  or What's Brewin.Ca for more info.

Stay safe, support your local brewery, stay home and be kind to each other.

Polk