Yesterday I was low. I felt lost and alone.
It isn't a new feeling, I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life quietly and alone because my generation of men was taught you shut up and dealt with your shit on your own, never asking for help. So I wrote this and usually I would delete it and never let it leave my drafts...but today I want you to know it is okay to feel broken, to ask for help and to acknowledge and feel empty and lost without fear of losing everything in your life, including that life...I have a positive response to this coming up, but I want the truth to see the light.
This is what I said....
.
.
.
47.
I'm fucking tired.
I've made a lot of bad choices, stupid decisions and just plain mistakes to get to tonight. I've lied to myself with equal aplomb as I did to anyone else. I've let the easy path of self inebriation and darkness shield me from my own poor decisions which have left me empty and often alone in a world I struggle to be a part of in any sense of the word.
I don't belong, I never have...but here I am.
I'm not sure what it is all about, most days I'm not sure I should even be here to even ponder such a question.
The time spent is not equal to the time left and that leaves me scared and anxious but somehow relieved that the long days journey into night will have a potentially merciful end...
I'm trying, but somedays I don't know why I bother.
Fin.
Tough subject Polk. I appreciate your honesty. Not going to serve you with platitudes, but as a fellow old guy (47 in October), we still have a lot to enjoy. We still have a lot to see. We still have a lot explore. And, god damnit, we still have a lot of good beers to drink.
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