Drunk at the Pandemic

Sobriety optional.
  Well, not really, but it sure feels like it some days as we go 4 or 5 deep in search of relief from the grind of being essential, not essential or somewhere in between. The jokes about rising alcoholism have a dark undercurrent of truth and I'll be the first one to admit my tweets and other social media postings are part meant to poke fun at myself and part a glimpse into a world gone mad with social distance. While not a super social person to begin with, the sense that I can do nothing except go to work and come home leaves me feeling stressed on top of the other stresses of dealing with the general public and working in a restaurant kitchen where you are often elbow to elbow with your co-workers. You begin to feel like a machine, a cog that turns round awaiting the next crank of the wheel taking you back into the world, suspicious of anyone who walks through the door, at times grateful to be working and other times terrified of having to do so. We have no training or previous time to refer back on to help give us a sense of what to do or what will come next and the longer this goes on, the more cracks begin to appear in our supposed united front. And these cracks are not just between people who think we've been too harsh and others who know this must continue for much longer than we realise. The divisions come from within and that is where I struggle the most.
  At the very best of times, I turn to a pint or two after work for a little liquid relaxation, most often sticking to that the majority of my time. Sure I have a beer every day, but it is usually just the one...until it isn't. Sliding into near alcoholism has long been a personal demon I felt like I kept at bay because I always felt that I did my job, provided for my family and didn't devolve every day into a mess of booze. Truth be told, without kids, I guess my responsibilities kind of end when my shift does because I literally do what I want after that. I long ago left guilt or feelings that I must do this or that family or societal function behind, secure that my personal space was all I needed or wanted. The pressure to do things was less and less as time went on and we established a fairly routine life that was a perfect fit for who we are. A little heavy on the beer from time to time, but for the most part in control.
  Then Jinx died, the pandemic hit and the whole flimsy façade came crashing down in a very real way. Turning to that buzz, the numbing of the world and the forgetting everything became easier with every passing day. Coming home to a pint or two before dinner, 5 or 6 more after and repeating for days on end became the new norm, easy to feel nothing than deal with what felt like everything. The incredible ease with which beer could be delivered to my house certainly has changed the game, picking up a 24 of  an IPA just to drink was something I hadn't done in years and that kind of abundance allows me to indulge my whims whenever I desire. Good or bad, beer delivers me from the day behind and prevents the worry of the day ahead to cloud right damn now. It isn't something I am comfortable with to be sure, but it is real and I am most likely not alone in an increased consumption. I see it, I feel it in every post my online friends make, the need for connection feeding the need for more and more release. We are a social bunch, this pandemic has driven us to seclude in our homes and that is felt most in our mental health while we struggle to wrap our heads around the months ahead.
  This feels disjointed, I usually write from a spark and go from there, revisions minimal and editing almost never. I have no energy for creating anything most for the time, finding my mind has little patience for a vision further than my next pint. While I can pop off a video and a few beer reviews a day, I feel the pandemic slips in more and more and have no problem addressing how I am feeling while still talking about what I'm drinking. It is a weird place to be now, trying to be responsible while also not completely falling apart every single day. I will be the first person to tell you and truthfully admit without hesitation that I desire that feeling 2 or 3 beers gives me every day. I wonder if tomorrow I might wake up with a fever, cough or worse not wake up at all, the stress cannot be good for anyone, let alone a dude pushing way over his ideal weight heading into the back half (third?) of life. Every ache and pain of the day behind me ricochets into a near panic and those pints help calm that beast, every time.
  When I wake up every morning, I look myself in the mirror and say today we will just have one pint when we get home. I even believe myself and head out into the world with hope that it will be a good shift ahead of me. I go forward with an eye to safety and making sure we do all the right things, but with so much unknown, so many things changing daily, it can feel overwhelming and by the time I step back in the door at home, 1 turns to 3 and off we go. Rarely falling down drunk, but seeking a balance to the uneasy feeling that climbs all day long, I wish I could say it will end anytime soon. I am trying to express how I feel and not just drink those feelings away, being mindful that it impacts the people around me, even if they aren't physically here. I try to be more aware, but I am so easily led astray by my own weakness for comfort, seeking any kind of break from the world around me.
  I don't really know what's next, I don't know that this exercise does much good for anyone or even myself. What I do know is that we are not alone in experiencing these feelings of living through history, aware that this will not be over soon and that collectively we will change in some way after we come though the other side of  pandemic unlike anything we've ever seen. I might be a drunk, but at least I'm at home.
Stay safe, try to keep it together as best you can and maybe we can go for a walk before we crack that first beer of the day...it will do us all some good.


Polk

Virtual Cheers and other Thoughts...

Beer is a social drink.
Most beer drinkers I know like to drink with other people, it enhances what's in your glass and it makes life a little better for everyone.
Right now, that is all gone, save for the virtual meet-ups on your computer and while that seems to be fine in the short term, I wonder about the mental health implications of a long term physical distancing and how that will play out as the days become weeks become months.
  Personally I have long preferred to drink alone, finding my consumption far less when I am not in a social situation, a huge reversal of the party animal I was not so many years ago. But even I am feeling the pinch of not being able to stop into Clifford Brewing just because I want a pint and some friendly conversations or hitting up Merit, Collective Fairweather or Grain & Grit to chat with my Hamilton friends. There is a feeling of community that you can't quite replicate on Zoom or FaceTime and while we know we must stay home to do our part in flatteneing the curve, it does begin to weigh on your mind. Hyper vigilance aside, the monotony of life spent trying to keep yourself distanced from the world is something that surely leads to more drinking than less. I did an online poll at the beginning of the isolation and it was pretty evenly split between folks drinking the same anmount and those who felt their consumption had risen. To do it again, I would imagine that those numbers would now skew to the latter as boredom, terror and a combination of the two take hold.
  When Jinx passed away in the early part of the year, I had a couple of bad days followed by a whole lot of heavy nights where I sat and drank and drank and drank. A response to grief I hadn't felt in a long time and I was able to grasp hold to myself and regain my footing, but not without a real look into the deepest flaws of my character and self control.
  Covid-19 is a whole different game. This isn't a life event that you learn to live with it, time helping to heal your wounds, living in a new normal, not quite right but living with hope once again. This current pandemic has stopped our economy, frozen lives in place, ripped socializing from our lives and left a gaping hole in what used to be normalcy. Abnormal is the new normal and if you're on day 10 of self isolation, who cares if you're cracking into your first beer at 10 a.m.? Like you got something better to do. Or maybe you are still working and that stress is driving you to open the second bottle of wine after a particularly bad day. These thoughts cross my mind all the time and I will be the first person to tell you that it is very easy to let 1 beer turn into 6 and let the world slip away far too many nights in the last 3 weeks. I try to limit myself to just one pint as much as possible, but to honest, when I am 2 feet from people taking their orders all day and shoulder to shoulder with my co workers in the kitchen, hoping everyone is following the rules to stay home if they are ill, I need a couple of beers or a few glasses of wine to take the edge off at the end of my workday. Is it healthy? Well, I know it isn't, but my mental health says "Fuck it" and here we are.
  Staying sober is not an option for me, it isn't something I desire, but I do understand that my relationship with alcohol is complicated, deserving of some serious introspection and maybe when life turns a corner and we see a glimpse of freedom I will deal with it. I know we need to be steady during this crisis, we need to be there for our families and our friends, as best we can at a distance, and losing yourself in a drunken stupor isn't gonna help anyone. I know this is disjointed at best, the struggle for coherence finds me swinging from one edge to the other, hoping I don't fall off. I guess I hope this reaches someone who feels like I do, adrift amongst the world, unsure what is the next move and hoping everyone you know and love comes out the other side of this in one piece, sane and healthy.
 But having a couple of pints, taking the edge off a chaotic time in world history? I say do what makes you happy, stay safe and stay the fuck home if you can. Be kind to yourself if you screw up, forgive someone else if they do and remember to say "I love you" when you can.
 


Love,
Polk
 

Wednesday Morning Thoughts

  The days seem to blend together right now and while we do the right thing and keep our social distancing to a maximum, it helps to know that everyone else is feeling the same thing too. Some folks are still working, front line health care, fast food, grocery and retail, not to mention the truckers, manufacturing and distribution folks all out there trying to keep the world turning in the positive direction. Imagine the constant state of worry their loved ones feel as they go off to try and keep some normal going in a most abnormal time.
  I work in food service, although luckily for some reason I booked my vacation and don't have to be in the store until next week. The pressure is real though and I've been talking to my staff to make sure they know I'm still in the fight with them, going so far as to stop in and give the good old reassurance to the troops in the battle. But it feels so surreal to consider the measures already in place and those to come in the coming days. I temper my hope with reality without giving in to panic or hoarding. We know things can turn sideways in a minute and lean hard into doing our best to spread positive messages when we can.
  Virtual meet ups and cheers are happening, people are utilizing technology to see each other and even party together, apart. We are not meant to be in isolated pockets away from those we love and are used to seeing every day and it will become more strained as the days turn to weeks turn to months. I have little doubt that this two or three week pronouncement will be extended as we deal with an increase in cases of Covid-19 due to more testing and an inevitable spike in those requiring hospitalization and urgent care. But I remain hopeful that we can flatten the curve, stretching out the impact on our health care system and those who stand on guard for us.
  The biggest problem for many will be the sure boredom of not being able to go out and do things they are used to. I do worry that a false sense of security or more likely a sort of pandemic fatigue will set in and individuals will loosen up the stringent adherence to instructions from our medical professionals out of sheer mental exhaustion. Stay the course and stay safe.
  I feel a little overwhelmed sometimes with the wall to wall pandemic coverage, both online and in traditional forms of media. I try to step away and do something, anything to separate my mind from racing toward a dark and dangerous place of despair. A new movie or an old favourite to take me to another place, a silly video game or watching old music videos on YouTube help bring me happiness and of course, my moments talking or writing about beer are golden times of distraction. The funny thing is I have always used these platforms to help work through my issues in life and they are a good part of how I am coping with what is happening all around me today.
  That is the report from here today, an early morning spent sipping a little Irish coffee and contemplating the world around me. Take care of yourselves and those around you and wash your damn hands.


Polk

On Life Right Now...

  Things are different now.
  There is little doubt the current pandemic outbreak of Covid-19 will not be something that passes by in a couple of weeks or even months and it will bring changes to how we live and do the things we took for granted not a week ago. Worried and anxious, pondering what to do next, I am hopeful in the way most Canadians are that we are listening to the medical community and trying to get ahead of this thing. I am hopeful that the initial panic buying will subside and rational people will return to some semblance of stocking up with an eye to not hoarding or depriving people in need. But most of all I am hopeful that we can come out the other side of this in the months ahead with a sense of humble awareness that we must do better in all things. We must find ways to support those who need help when sickness or disaster strikes, personally or in a larger community, to be able to stay home and deal with it without fear of losing their place in the world or going hungry. Paid sick days will be a point of discussion and we need to make sure our elected officials know this as we go forward. Full time workers in retail and food service are among the largest sectors that usually have no access to a paid sick day in any form and with most making minimum wage or just above, cannot afford to miss even one shift without jeopardizing their financial health.
   Working sick was a badge of honour for me not even two years ago, I proudly would proclaim that after 30 plus years of full time work I had never taken a sick day in my life and was often condescending to those who did. Let me tell you that I have learned in the last few years as I get older and see my friends and family find themselves caring for elderly relatives or dealing with their own health scares that there is nothing brave or smart about putting yourself in that position to keep your employer happy. It is difficult for me to let go, but I have come round to being an advocate for those who work with and for me to take a day if they need it. I watch for signs of mental and physical health issues and offer whatever I can to help the people who I have responsibility for. As I approach 50, I realise that my wisdom should also be tempered with compassion and sympathy that I never had from some of those whom I worked for.
  During what is to be a drastically changed world in the coming year, I hope we can find some humanity and lean hard into caring about more than just ourselves. The world is hurting right now and without us coming together to do what must be done, it will go on much longer than it should. Following the advice and direction of medical professionals and those managing this crisis is imperative to give us a shot at flattening the curve and acceleration of the infection. If missing some events and having to forgo things for a few weeks or months means helping to make that happen, then it is imperative we do so, with an eye to a future where we can once again hug and shake the hands of those we meet. Vigilance and dedication to being a part of the solution is our only way forward. We cannot stop the virus yet, but we can mitigate its spread and give our scientists a chance at a vaccine and a cure for those already afflicted.
 So know that no one is alone, even though we are apart. The whole world is in this together and while my own mind may feel the darkness and pessimism of a nihilist, my heart tells me we can do this. I write when I need to, when my thoughts get to heavy I feel compelled to let them out and then I feel better inside. I'm here with you and may we share virtual pints until the time comes when we can share real ones again.
Stay calm, stay safe and stay home if you can.
Oh, and wash your damn hands.


Polk.