Leap of Faith - One Polk's Dream..

 

I look into the mirror every morning and I see a tired man looking back at me. I am old at being young, but young at being old (to quote The Barenaked Ladies), but I feel every year sometimes. Life is rolling along at an ever increasing clip and as a blue collar guy who left high school and has worked in a variety of customer service jobs over the last 30 years, I don't have much in the way of plans for the future. Little savings from being self employed for 13 of those years and working for chains that don't offer retirement packages means I am most likely to work till I am well into my 70's or until I keel over at the grill one day. The prospect of another 30 years spent grinding out 50 hour work weeks with 2 off for good behaviour seems daunting at times as the entirety of my life will be spent working to just stay put. Not an appetizing thought by any means and I lack the self discipline or guts to trim my life to the basics so as to save and retire a bit earlier on a modest budget. But one day I had a thought, perhaps I could "retire" for a few years now while I can enjoy it and then toil away my remaining years with the wonderful memories I could create.
  How's that now, you ask yourself?
  Well, admittedly it isn't the smartest plan or the most stable but it is a dream to dream each night.
  We bought our house about 12 years ago, right before the market went ape-shit. Coming in at a very reasonable price, we looked at it as our forever home where we would raise our child (to come soon after) and enjoy the life we were building. A simple 2 bedroom home with a huge yard and room to grow, we hosted parties,a wedding and so much more before life got really complicated after I lost my business in 2012. The struggle to stay afloat was real but after a time, we found our footing and on we went. The real blow was when we found out that it wasn't in the cards for us to have kids, tough to swallow that one I will tell you, but once again, we refocused and strode on into the night with our sights on tomorrow.
  But I did get tired of it all some days. I looked at a future where we just keep doing the same things, day in and day out, a fait acompli until I take my leave of this mortal coil and no longer care. This cannot be all there is and one day, a mad plan, a decidedly crazy and unabashedly irresponsible plan popped into my head when I was a few pints in.
  We sell the house.
  Travel the world for 2 or 3 years.
  Come back and resume our lives, but with the tales and memories to carry us to the end while we still can enjoy them.
  Simply put, as madness usually thinks of itself, the profit from the sale of our house is going to exceed $300,000 and while we do have decent jobs, they are nothing we couldn't find again after a few years away. I don't have a career that needs saving, a life worth living should be lived well and hard. This is what I proposed one evening...
 We take half of what me make, maybe a little more and just go.  Leave with the wind at our backs and don't stop until we have to come back to ground and resume this life lived proper and true to what is expected.
We would head to Europe for a few months first, chasing beer dreams from Belgium to Germany and the Czech Republic. Drinking Belgian Trappist beers in taverns across from the monastery that produced them, sitting in a German Bierhaus during Oktoberfest and crushing Pilsner Urqhell on the patio in Pilsen would no longer be a dream and without a rigid travel timeline, we would be free to explore at our own will.
  Returning across the Atlantic, we would embark on the most ambitious part of my "retirement" plan; Polkapolooza : North America. Buying a truck and a trailer, we would start our journey in Newfoundland, exploring the local craft beer and food scene in every province and territory in Canada as we travelled across this great land. Timing stops for cultural events that pique our interest, we would search out experiences that will give us the memories promised but left unfilled in an uncertain future. Perhaps a year or so spent driving and stopping in to visit anywhere we fancy before we turn south and visit our friends and neighbours in the United States to do more of the same.
  Rather than looking for a reason or a purpose, we will simply go where the wind takes us and live the life that we cannot expect as our years advance. There will be no lazy senior days for this guy and this rather wacky and wholly un-thought out plan remains a dream that tantalizes my soul when the days get dark and the future a muddled mess of repetitive convention. Is it idiocy or madness that drives me to contemplate taking a risk and just letting go of all the routine and "correct" things we are supposed to do? Sure, a little of both but I do know one thing for sure, I was not born to just work until I die and pay bills.
  There you have it. The flights of fancy of a middle aged dreamer who will head back to work tomorrow with a little glimmer of what may be, even if that's all he has to keep him going.

Cheers!

Polk

They used to call me Coach

Simply the Best.

Standing behind the bench will always be one of my favourite memories. Coaching hockey occupied everything about my life from 1987 to 1995 and there will always be a spot in my heart for those teams that became my extended family for 7 months a year. Looking back now, I long not only for those simpler days, but for the time when I could feel the vast and open possibilities of the future.

My seven years as a Hockey Coach run right through some of the most difficult, joyous and interesting times of my life. This are how I see them now, through the lens of nostalgia, tinged with love and a little bit of regret.

Goalie Coach (1988/89)

At 15, coaching was becoming my life.

It started after I had been playing for a couple of years and was coming to the realisation that my playing career (I wrote about it here) was soon to be over. My skills never quite matched my heart but I didn't want to walk away from the ice completely. We had become increasingly more involved at our local minor hockey association in  Stoney Creek and in 1988, I was asked by Al Kaine to help out with his goalies. I was so happy to help pass on some of my knowledge, as little as that was at the time, and leaped in with both feet. Mom or Dad had to drive me to the games still as I was only 15, but they did it because they could see how passionately I loved the game and knew it was good for me to be involved in the community. Al was a proponent of fast and aggressive attacking hockey and along with my minor hockey coach, Sid Nelson and later on, mentor Rick Ferroni, was instrumental in helping to form my style behind the bench. It was a glimpse into what I could do with my mind and of course the ever present numbers ( I was into stats way before today's obsession with them) to help shape strategy and plot a winning game plan.

Getting My Feet Wet (1989/90)

The very next season, Dad and my Uncle Jim volunteered to coach a team with my middle brother Dave on it and I went along with them as an assistant coach. It was also the year that I ended up with my own team as my little brother Mike needed a coach and I leapt at the chance to get behind the bench with a few of my pals.

I was always a student of the game and I strived to learn all about not just the skills I could teach, but ways to motivate and inspire these two groups of young people. From my own experience with both good and bad coaches, I took the lessons and applied them to myself when I grabbed the whistle. I swore to be true to who I was and treat each kid fairly, be demanding of performance but ultimately try to be a positive influence in their lives. I took courses to become a better coach and worked to bring interesting and new drills to practice to help them improve.

Coaching my first team with my pals, Kevin, Kyle and Mike.

That season saw many things occur, including The Party (read about it here) that changed the direction of my life and my first Championship as a coach. The Penguins finished last in the standings, but led the league in parties and it was fun to be able to help my brother Mike, a goalie, continue his development. Brother Dave's Pee Wee team was another story altogether and was a juggernaut in the playoffs. Led by Dave's swift skating and aggressive defence, this team was a throwback to the teams I had played on a few years earlier. Fiercely loyal to each other and never afraid to take it to the other team, these kids became an extension of my philosophy of going after what you want with reckless abandon. I will always have a special place for this team in my heart because it cemented my path after I stopped playing the next year.

These guys won it all. Dad and Uncle Jim brought out the best in them.

The Lost Year (1990/91)

1990 brought many changes to my life and I was behind the bench again coaching Mike's team as we moved into the Pee Wee division (12/13 year olds). I was in and out of my parents house at this point and it probably led to the teams struggles because I was not able to focus on doing my best. I always regret that year of my life, not only because of the hardship I put on my family and friends with my behaviour, but because I can't really remember much about this team. It wasn't a championship team but as '90 turned to '91 I started to get my own act together and the next season was to be the start of a two year run that gave me hope about a future in hockey.

Things Start to Come Together (1991/92)

An almost dream season and where I found my best coaching and managing
team.

Having cleaned up myself and returning to school, I was a little more focused as the 1991 season began. Once again coaching my brother Mike, I was joined behind the bench by my best friend, Kevin, who had been with me since the beginning and brother Dave, who handled the defense that was our hallmark. Mom came aboard as manager and she was the glue that helped form an amazing group of parents who were vocal and enthusiastic in their support. I began wearing a sport coat and tie to emulate a more successful approach and it worked. Look good, feel good was true then and now. I worked hard to create a positive environment and with my assistant coaches, built our practices into skill sessions that took us near the top of the standings. We won the local Christmas tournament with Mike playing perhaps one of his finest games ever in a 3-0 win that we were outshot 29-10 in. I'll never forget the smile on his face after that one.

Come playoff time, we took on my first real "rival" coach, Harper Appleton. While time has taught me that is a pretty funny thing to think that about another volunteer coach in minor hockey, at 18, I was full bore to beat this guy. We met in the semi-finals and our defense nullified their high scoring forwards with Mike doing yeoman's service in net. We moved onto the final and lost the first game of a 3 game series in overtime. A few days off before game 2 and I was boiling over with enthusiasm. I knew our strategy and close knit team were going to win despite the loss and my gut told me to go all out in my pre game speech. My old coach, Sid, had told me you couldn't try to gear the players up to high before every game and to be judicious when you brought in the big guns of motivation and inspiration. The next two games were not close (5-2 and 7-0) and it was a bit of a preview of what was to be my favourite team and year of coaching I was ever to have.

My Best Year Behind the Bench (1992/93)

The best team I ever coached. Period. Full stop.

The 1992 season dawned as the year I really felt I came into my own and began to coach with a true passion. I took a job working night shifts so I could be completely focused on hockey and it was a good move. The 1992/93 Bantam (14/15 year olds) Stoney Creek Lightning will always remain the very fondest memory of my time as a coach and it was equal parts the success, parent support and players who gave it their all. This was to be the height of my personal joy and it was once again the same people helping make it possible. Dave, Kevin and Mom were back with me and we knew that our success of the year before was but a taste of what we could do. Led by Mike in net, this was a talented but not easily corralled group of kids. I had purposely took on some of the players other coaches felt were troubled and difficult to coach because I knew I could get to them, help them and by extension the team have an amazing year. We started off a little rough as I tried to find the right motivation for each kid, but when the season really got going I could feel the team gelling and coming together. These kids quickly bonded and were often responsible for keeping each other honest. Lack of effort was the only sin I preached against and rarely did that happen. My "rival", Harper, was once again in the same league and after a loss in the Christmas tournament in overtime and his team leading us in the standings, he looked to have the upper hand. I felt the team was drifting, winning and losing with equal effort and it was after a loss to a team from nearby Grimsby (we played in a loop with a few other small communities), in which their goalie was late and they played with an empty net for half the game and six players on the ice. My guys had thought it would be an easy win and played selfishly, trying for goals instead of working as a team. I said nothing after the loss and when we hit the ice the next morning at 6 a.m. for practice, I told them to toss their sticks into a pile at center ice. Happily thinking we were going to scrimmage, they were shocked when Kevin and Dave calmly picked them up and took all their sticks and the pucks to the bench. I then told them that if they didn't want to play as a team and work together like we had seen the night before, they didn't need sticks. Thus began the one and only time I bag skated my team. Nothing but skating drills for the entire hour, followed by a heart to heart meeting after changed the course of our season. We never lost another game for the rest of the year, going 15 and 0. The commitment level, closeness and desire on this team came together and we just didn't win, we dominated. The Interlock playoffs saw us win 7 games by a combined score of 37 to 10, including an 9 to1 win in the finals. Our local Stoney Creek playoffs were pretty much a walk as we won 5 games straight, scoring 32 and only giving up 8. Defeating league leading and once again rival coach Harper in the City final was the icing on the cake as our season finished with an 8-1 Championship game win. One of my favourite players and fiercest competitors, Donnie Stacey scored 4 shorthanded goals and shutdown the league's leading scorer in the process. This was the year I thought seriously that coaching was going to be where I would stake my claim to hockey glory and the next season I took a step forward while also stepping back.

Moving on Up (1993/94)

As the 1993 season began, I had taken a role with one of my mentors, Rick Ferroni coaching a rep team in Minor Atom (10 year olds). It represented that step up I mentioned, as this was a higher level of competitive hockey. The step backward was going from head to assistant coach/manager. It was evident that I needed some guidance to be able to move up in the coaching ranks and my experience with this team was an eye opener. The parents were a lot more intense, the games seemed to take on more importance and the kids under a little more pressure. I brought my style of interactive coaching with me and learned from Rick the importance of not only skating drills, but doing things that others never would. We used some unorthodox Russian inspired drills and I was also left with the teams goalies as my charges. I hope we imparted some skills and made them not only better players but people in that first season of rep hockey for us. Both Rick and I were rehabilitating our often short tempers with those we disagreed and working together, we quickly discovered our common love of seeing the kids get better and of course, winning. Ultimately we fell short of our goal, but I was excited when we were awarded the Major Pee Wee team in AAA the next season, as it represented the highest level of competitive Minor hockey and a true step toward my goal of professional coaching.

The Last Season (1994/95)

1994 was to be my last year coaching. I was now coaching two rep teams, with my own Head coaching gig of an Atom A team to go along with my duties to Rick and the AAA Pee Wee team.

Over 100 games and an equal number of practices to go along with travelling all over the province and a full time night shift job at Tim Horton's was heaven to me and I could feel the strength of my future coalescing every time I took to the ice or got behind the bench. Both teams made the finals of their respective leagues but were ultimately unsuccessful in winning it all. Coaching at the higher levels was indeed giving me inspiration and I had plans to take even more advanced coaching courses to increase not only my knowledge, but my chances of someday finding myself behind the bench full time and getting paid to do so.

It was the end of one path and the beginning of another.

  

The End of Coaching (1995)

Life, of course, had other plans for me and it was while I was winding down this season and preparing for the next that I met someone who would help shape a new direction in my life. I was never one to do anything in half measures and when I fell in love for the first time, it was with everything I had. My choices in life have never been overly logical, often done with passion as opposed to thought and I abandoned my old dreams for new ones over the objections of my love. I should have taken her support of my coaching dream and listened when she implored me to keep at it. I unwisely didn't and will always wonder what would have been had kept my spot on the bench while learning to love.

But time is a great healer and to this day I'll run into a former player and he'll call me Coach. That is what makes me smile the most about my time as a leader and teacher of young people; to know I made a difference to some of these kids and I am humbled by their love, many years later.

Perhaps my own management style is patterned after my coaching one, I was always a players coach and to this day always work hard to build a team and help those in my charge achieve their goals at work and in life. Hockey taught me a lot and I hope one day to be able to give back a fraction of that.

The game will always mean more to me than the score and if you want to know the truth, there are times when I am slowly drifting off and I can hear the scrape of the blades on the ice, the slap of the puck off the boards and see myself on the bench one more time.

Cheers!





What Now?

You start off with the same milestones as everyone. People wait for you to roll over, sit up, walk and run. Then you go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, raise them, retire, be a grandparent and the cycle starts again.


What happens when you hit the one of these and stop?


I know that I am never going to retire, we are not having kids and I am increasingly unsure of what comes next.
My life has always had the next goal, the next achievement, the next chapter. Now I am a little lost because I sometimes wonder what I am working so hard for. Living to work is not what anyone wants to do, but when you have children, you do what is necessary to provide them with the best you can. When you are staring 30 more years in the eye and realising that at best you'll squeeze out 4 weeks vacation a year, you wonder why bother. What is the purpose of life if all it has become is the drudgery of day to day, month to month, year to year. Small things to look forward to are good, but when you are faced with decades more of 50 hour weeks and living on the fringes of what society has deemed normal, it weighs on you. Happiness is fleeting and we hold on dearly to anything that brings a moments respite from the exceedingly ordinary lives we lead.
I hear about folks without kids who go on grand adventures, leave it all behind and pursue a life that they choose. Sounds good, but it is not easy to leave behind the trappings of the regular life. What would I do for work? Where would we live? What about our extended, albeit slightly estranged. families? Will it actually be better? These things run through my mind as I think about just saying no to all I thought I wanted until very recently.
At 43, is it too late to start again?
I wish I had an answer. It has been haunting me for some time now as we move further away from having kids, I want to figure out who I am and where I want to be. I am certain that I was not meant to be 70 and struggling to live, working a full time job and just getting by every day. So many people live those desperate lives of work, eat, sleep, repeat and I don't want to become a drone who only stops working when I stop breathing. Following my passion is all well and good in theory, but a mortgage isn't paid in dreams and my partner in life cannot carry the load while I pursue something that may never become anything of value. Real life means the bills come in, you pay them and whatever is left over is what you can try to live on. We do better than most, we have more than enough food, clothes on our backs, a little fun now and then and a roof over our heads. This should be enough but I can't help but thinking there should be more. We shouldn't be locked down to some conformity that isn't real to us. We are not of the world that we expected and maybe it is time to explore the world we do not know.
Dreams stay just that unless you act on them, but what price is paid for pursuing them. I don't know that I will ever be brave enough to actually give voice to what I want. The internal struggle between what I thought was going to happen and what has happened is very real and I just want to find my place in the world. If I don't, will I lay there, 20 years from now, silently judging and hating myself because I was to cowardly to demand happiness. I know that I wish 20 year old me would have thought a little more about where we would end up because that guy was a seriously shortsighted individual. The pursuit of immediate gratification is my biggest regret and while I can do nothing about the past, I can do something about the future. I don't know where I will be a year from now, but as long as it is moving towards a goal I have set and made real, then I will at least have that.
 Life really is too short and when you start down the back forty of your existence, it is probably time to look at yourself and ask one thing:
"Are you happy?"
If the answer is no...well, maybe it's time you do something about it, because no one else is coming to bail you out or tell you what to do with your own life. This is when you make a choice and whatever that is, wherever that takes you, it is 100 % on you. No excuses, no regrets, no looking back. I know my time is coming and when I reach that fork in the road, I hope I choose wisely.

On Winter

It has been one of the quietest winters I can remember. Not much in the way of snow and even the temperature has been mild. Not what I think of when you say Canadian Winter, but hey, no complaints from this guy.

My brother lives up north a ways and is amazed that people seem to forget we live in Canada and that in the winter, it snows. He laughs every time we get a little snow and social media explodes with all the exasperated posts about bad drivers, shovelling snow and bitter cold winds. He has a point. If you look around Facebook or Twitter, they are filled with the same posts everybody made last year. And the year before that and the year before that, forever and ever amen. What is it that causes us to lose our collective minds when the mercury dips down and the fluffy white stuff falls from the sky? And what makes us forget that it happens every damn year?

I work with the public and not a day goes by when someone doesn't mention the weather in some way. It's a safe subject and a very Canadian way of saying hello. What I have noticed over my 25 plus years in customer service is that the same people that bitch about the humidity in the summer, do the same for the cold in the winter. I am not sure what they were expecting. The weather is something that changes every ten minutes up here and you would think they were used to that by now.

I am a summertime guy myself. I love it all, from the warm sun and cool air of the May 24 weekend to the humid nights of late August and everything in between. I revel in the heat and spend as much time as I can outside in the Grotto.

This place is where I spend my summer. Beauty!

The winter on the other hand is not my friend. Cold, dark days that are too short. Lack of sunshine does a number on me and I struggle more each year to keep my spirits up while the snowy weather drags on. From the beginning of January until we start to see the first buds break ground in late March, I have to remind myself that summer is coming and I just need to hang in there a few more days.

Despite my struggles with the winter, there are things I love about it. Hockey is T.V. every night and my Leafs keep finding new ways to lose. There is almost nothing better than BBQ in the cold. It just seems to taste better when you know not everyone will brave the elements to have a wonderfully grilled steak and potato dinner. It helps that I have propane heat and a garage to hang out in while the 'Q does its thing, but the flavours seem to be brighter when it is out of season.

Nothing stops the Polkaroos from BBQing.

I also must admit to a bit of a dirty secret. I like shovelling. We have a rather long driveway for the suburbs and a double car garage behind our house. It is a lot of space, but I love when I get out my trusty 10 year old shovel and begin to clean up. There is something soothing about pushing the white stuff around to reveal the blacktop underneath. I never rush, no need for a wrenched back here. I love the feeling of my body heating up as the wind swirls around me. The steam when I take my hat off and accept a mug of Irish coffee when I take a break during a big clean up makes me smile. But most of all, I think I feel like I accomplished something. Small and not world changing, but by clearing the snow from our driveway, we somehow connect with the outside. I don't ski or snowboard. Being a fat guy and having a grasp of physics means that my weight on two sticks going down a hill would result in a funniest videos sort of ending and perhaps a cracked limb or two. But give me a shovel and I am just fine. Trying to work through the drifts that form as the wind pushes the snow around makes me move my body, and in Winter that is a big accomplishment.

Looking back at a job well done.

I would hazard a guess that this is what makes it so soothing for me. Struggling with anxiety and depression, especially at this time of the year, can leave me feeling lethargic and empty inside. Shovelling focuses my attention on an achievable physical task that also allows me time to work through some stuff that may be bugging me. I am not sure why, but as I work my way to the end of the driveway, I become more relaxed and let things that had been upsetting me all day just slip away.

We have talked about getting a snow blower many times and I always resist. I know it would make life easier for those 3 or 4 heavy snows that can take over an hour to clear and leave me a little sore the next day, but still I hold back. Some of that is the cost of purchasing and maintaining a quality machine. The other reason is far simpler, I am not ready to give up my big blue shovel.

Old Blue, she's held together with

Duct tape and love.

It still means something to me to look down at the back of the house and see a clean slate. Maybe we could all approach the snow with a little less hatred and embrace the seasons in the Canadian way, with a smile on our faces and a knowledge that spring is just around the corner.

 Well, not around the corner, but just down the street and kind of walking slow. I mean you think this season could pick up the pace a little. Come on spring, get your ass on in here.

It's okay, I know that when it comes, I will get out the garden stuff and begin the process of getting ready for the summer again.

I can't wait!

Cheers.

My favourite sign that summer is coming!



Beer of the Week - January 10th to January 16th

I usually have a hard time picking the Beer of the Week (BOW), and this week might have been the toughest yet. So many great new beers from Stouts to Saisons, but only one could win.
Trying new things is my theme of 2016 and in that vein, I made some short videos and put them up on my YouTube channel, here. Give them a look and get a peek inside how I explore the flavours, textures and aromas of my beer. Plus my shirts are pretty cool. Another expansion of my digital footprint is my Facebook page. It should help connect all the different expressions of my love for beer in one convenient place. Join us, we may have donuts.
I want to expand how I communicate with you and show you beer is not just a thing to smell, taste and feel, it is a visual and aural experience as well. What you see and hear when you open and pour your beer is also important in understanding what it is all about. The whole beer is something I refer to often when I talk about my brew and it includes all 5 senses.
Having said that, it is the beer that gives me purpose and this week I landed a whale. The term alludes to a highly sought after, but not easily attainable brew. It is in reference to Captain Ahab's single minded pursuit of Moby Dick and it isn't far of the mark for me with this beer.
Founder's Brewing from Michigan makes many unique and delicious beers that come in their distinctive "stubby" bottle. Rarely a misstep from these guys and I jump at the chance to try anything new when we venture south of the 49th parallel. As you begin to explore all the beer blogs, magazines, Instagram accounts and various other forms of digital media, some beers pop out at you more than others.

Just damn great beer!

The Double Chocolate Coffee Oatmeal Breakfast Stout from Founder's was one of those for me. From the cool label with a baby on it that gave them some problems is New Hampshire (since cleared up) to the descriptions I have read of its contents, this beer had me chasing it in my dreams.
When we went to the States a couple of weeks ago, I finally found it at a Wegman's. A joyful day indeed. Waiting for just the right occasion to open it, I figured my first Saturday off in 6 months was a good enough reason. It poured a deep sea black with a tan head that kept coming back. The aroma of fresh ground coffee kept beckoning me forward. When I took my first sip, I understood the hype. Creamy and smooth with a dominate coffee flavour. Well roasted malts also give off a chocolate note that helps to level out the bitterness. The finish is dry and has the distinct note of  bitter black coffee, but in a good way. Put this in your mug for breakfast and you'll start the day off right. It is a pretty strong beer at 8.3% ABV and 60 IBUs, so you'll want to take your time with it. I'd recommend having some more bacon.
I really wish I had grabbed a 12 pack when we were down there, my life needs more of this wonderful beer in it. I imagine I can a still taste it, but alas, it is no more. The next time we go on a beer hunt, I will harpoon more than one and you can come over and join the cult of Founder's with me. We may not have donuts, but we do have outstanding beers!
That it can't be found here in Canada makes me sad, but I am still going to say Congratulations to Founder's Brewing Company and their Breakfast Stout for winning the BOW and delivering a reminder that sometimes life gives you exactly what your looking for.
Cheers!


The label that started it all.



Did you Play your Numbers?

Somebody's got to win. Might as well be me.

I don't know about you, but I am a guy who casually plays the lottery. I have no system, just Quick Picks. I am not completely lost if I forget to play my ticket or don't win. I just like to drop a couple of bucks a shot on a piece of paper that represents a dream of freedom.

Our neighbours to the south are in the middle of a billion dollar frenzy with their Powerball lottery hitting the 1.5 billion dollar mark and climbing. That is a lot of coin, even after the tax man takes his cut you're still getting north of 900 million dollars. That is some serious F-you money.

I know the odds against winning are so ridiculous it makes playing a waste of cash and I hate to use my hard earned dollars on anything but stuff that makes my life better. But for us, the jackpots aren't a real goal or an achievable dream. Instead they represent what our true ambitions are made of. It is the notion that we could have more than enough money to do what we want, when we want  and without having to slug it out 40 plus hours a week to get it. Who doesn't want something for nothing? Luckily, we both know that life doesn't work that way and bust our asses every day to try and achieve some financial freedom when we retire. RRSPs, pensions and just plain old saving is the only way this Polkaroo is going to be able to put down his deep fryer basket and enjoy his golden years. It is not sexy, but it is the only way to go.

Still, the dream persists. Sometimes when the Lotto Max jackpot hits a ridiculous 50 million, we will linger after dinner and talk dreamily about all the things we could do and the people we would help if our numbers came up.

We could do this every day.

I don't think it does any harm to talk about travelling all over the world (imagine the beer), or paying off all of our families mortgages and making sure they never had to want for anything in their lives again. It is good to look around and dream of bigger and better things. Wishing for that and doing something about it are two very different things however. So while it is all well and good to buy that lottery ticket, it is quite destructive to spend gobs of cash trying to win something that is just this side of impossible. We spend about $14 a week and that is about all I am comfortable with. It's not a huge sum out of our budget and it's a fair price to pay for some daydreaming. We continue to be aggressive with our saving and are very conscious of where every dollar goes because we want to be able to enjoy our lives. When the bills are paid and you've got some cash in the bank, that is really what winning is to me.

There is no way for guys like me to jump the queue on life. I didn't go to college or university and that has made me work a little harder to make up for the poor decisions of my youth. I am just now getting my head up above the clouds and looking around, its pretty nice up here. I put in my hours at work and endeavour everyday to not only earn my pay, but make sure I feel good about doing it. It's not my dream job, but it pays the bills, allows me time off to pursue the Perfect Beer and gives me a sense of purpose. That is what work is for me, a means to an end. If you are lucky enough to do something you love, consider yourself ahead in the game of life. If not, at least give it your best while you're there and keep reaching for something better.

Playing the lottery or grabbing the occasional Scratch ticket are not a waste if you can do so with the full knowledge that it's more of a dream than a reality. Doing this allows you to enjoy the thoughts of financial freedom while still realising that the alarm clock is going to go off in the morning and work awaits. You rarely get something for nothing and when you earn it, the results are so much sweeter.

Still, what I could do with $1.5 billion.......

Cheers!



I got nothing.

What I Want for 2016

More time with the most wonderful woman in my life

would be the perfect way to spend 2016.

Looking back is always fun, provided you don't get all freaked out at the stupid stuff you have done in your life. My last year has been nothing short of amazing. I remained smoke free, stopped binge drinking crappy beer, found the courage to fight back against my depression and social anxiety and of course I started this little journey to share with you. Writing this blog has been cathartic for many reasons, the least of which is that I felt like I had a voice again. Many times I would get bogged down in the worries of everyday life like bills, repairs, work and sometimes, just living. Nothing earth shattering, but when you face an ever growing cloud that won't go away, even the smallest tasks seem insurmountable. Writing frees me to think of the good I have done and can do. It allows my mind to speak what often I would keep inside. It seems like I am only focusing on beer, but to me each post represents a victory over my own depression. I can now make conscious decisions to do the right thing for myself, as opposed to wallowing in a drunken stupor. I do miss being able to not care about things, it is much simpler, but it is more rewarding to have presence in my own life. All of this leads to the title of my post, What I Want for 2016.

These things, not all beer related , are goals I am going to set and hopefully achieve in the new year. With the help of those around me, I want to continue to my journey and experience all that life has to offer me. Also, there are so many new beers to try.

1. Live a healthier lifestyle - Seems counterintuitive for a beer drinking fat guy to want to live healthier, but hear me out. I am verging on my mid forties and have been overweight for most of my life. I know this will lead to problems as I age, so dropping some of this excess baggage would help. I don't think there are any quick fixes out there, so to me, it means eating better and most importantly getting off my ass and moving my body. Mrs. Polkaroo and I are going to start walking in the evening and hopefully things pick up from there. Anything beats doing nothing
2. Write or create something every day - Simply putting words to the keyboard and writing a review of a beer can be wonderful for me. Other times I like to work with my hands and build something for the house. Decks on decks in the Grotto is my motto. I need to update my office, as I actually use it now. Bookcases, some paint and accessories will breath new life into my space. I love the challenge of creating something out of nothing and I will get my butt in gear on this one early in the new year.
3. Tell the people I love that I love them more often - So many times we go about our daily lives and forget about this gesture. Tell the people who are important to you how you feel. You'll feel better saying I love you and meaning it. Life is funny and sometimes we don't get to say goodbye to people before they leave us, so say it loud and say it often. I am going to try.
4. Forgive myself and others - In the same vein as the last one, it does you no good to carry a grudge. Against someone who has hurt you or yourself for something you did. Letting go is very hard for me and it requires a conscious effort to remind myself that I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. No one is out to get you, don't let yourself get led down the garden path on that one, it goes to dark and lonely places. Forgiveness has brought me peace and I hope to get even better at it as the year goes on.
5. 

   

   We do love a good game of pool at Merle's.

   Have fun - I used to do so many fun and exciting things. The only problem was that I only remember portions of those events because I would also be drinking heavily. Luckily I have a wonderful wife who has stood by me and I want to return that favour by making life fun again. I want to go out and visit places that interest both of us. Making time in your week for something fun to do with your significant other is difficult at times when life bogs down, but making that time, no matter how small can be a huge game changer. It doesn't always mean spending gobs of cash on a trip or things, but simply could be curling up with a movie or playing a silly board game. Whatever comes next will be better though, because I will be present for all of it. Let's go have some fun.
6. Do something nice for myself - During my life, I never considered what the future held. I was a here and now guy and damn the torpedoes of consequence. That has changed and will continue to evolve. But I now know that I have to be kind to me as well. My life is slowly coming into focus and there are things I want to do that are just for me. I hope to have company, but there is also something to be said for the quiet contemplation of life. Being solitary sometimes isn't a bad thing if it doesn't separate you from the wider world. So I will treat myself every now and then to some things just for me. I have to make myself a priority sometimes, but also remember not to do it at the expense of anyone else. Love is often the hardest gift to give yourself, so remember that you are a good and deserving person too.
7. Unplug and be present - This one is easy. When we went out the other day, Kat and I turned our phones on airplane mode and just existed in each other. We spent the day laughing and talking, never once having to check our devices for "important" messages or posts. So this year I want to do that more. A big theme of changing my life is being Present. Be where you are and not somewhere else. What that means is put down your phone and look around you. There are people, places and things going on that only require you to be in the moment to really enjoy them. The internet will be there tomorrow, today is here right now and I don't want to miss it.

8. 

   We eat pretty good, but maybe we need some
   more exciting flavours

   Try new foods - Beer has helped me try so many new flavours and textures. It has taken me around the world in a glass and I am so thankful I discovered that before it was too late. But that alone isn't enough. We are committed to expanding our food world as well. There is a pattern to what we eat in the Polkaroo household, although not intentional. We probably exist on the same 6 or 7 meals almost all year. This has to change. Why stick to the same old tired dinners when there are some incredibly tasty things in the world. I am often dismissive of anything new because I love my comfort zone. Pushing out of that will no doubt lead to some funny tasting things but also will lead to me to discover a whole range of things I didn't know I liked. Maybe it's time I gave Sushi another go. I know Kat would like that.
9. Stay on Budget - This is one thing I really worked hard on in 2015. We lived paycheque to 4 days before paycheque for pretty much our entire relationship. This year we worked hard at fixing that and it has made a massive difference in our lives. The lack of stress at worrying if the gas or electricity is going to be shut off is just amazing. It isn't always easy saying no to ourselves or others when we just don't have the money, but it is getting easier. Saving up for a big purchase or trip has made us better consumers because we consider if we really need something and not just what our impulses want. Our budget is organic and grows and changes with what we learn as we go along. I have no doubt we will make mistakes, but at least now we can recognize them and actively fix them as opposed to ignoring them like we used to. A life can be lived on a budget and we are going to make it the best we can.
10. Explore Beer - I didn't intend for this to be about the things I wanted to better in my life. My first concept was all the beer related things I wanted to do in 2016. Visiting certain breweries, tracking down elusive brews (Whales) and maybe getting into video blogging my beer tastings were things I was going to write about. I still will, but as I began to write, it occurred to me that I am more than just a beer guy. I am a son, brother, uncle, friend and most importantly to me, Husband to an incredible woman. These are the things that matter to me the most. But I wouldn't have any of it if I didn't see through the haze of Macro lagers that used to dominate my life. Knowledge about what I drink has made me more aware of so many other things in my life. So beer will remain my hobby, maybe even my life's work if I can ever get my home brewery going. But it is not the only thing I have going for me. You will see me at some festivals and breweries for sure this year. I know I can go out and not get hammered because I have done it.  I'll take you along with me and maybe we can meet up and grab a pint together.

Remember, Pinkies out!

There you have it. I wasn't planning on doing ten things, it just kind of happened. By no means is this all I want to do in 2016. But as I have said before, I write for myself as much as to share it with you. I reread my own stuff from time to time to see what I was thinking and more importantly, to me anyway, to make sure I keep moving forward. I want to thank everyone who follows along at home and I promise to keep being honest and upfront about my life journey whenever I post. I am just starting to live my life and it really makes me smile to know you are there with me.

Cheers everyone!

Happy New Year!

Keep on believing!

See you all in 2016!