Beer Festivals and Polk - A complicated relationship

  

I don't think there is any other way to do this. I mean I've known for a while my true feelings and kept them to myself. I tried and tried to get in line with popular thinking and experience the things like everyone else does. I want to be part of the good time gang but it is time to admit the sad truth about life as Polk.
  I don't like going to beer festivals.

  There I said it and I'm sure I will feel better at some point. I am not sure when this transformation happened, what kind of beer loving person wouldn't love seeing tens of great craft brewers in one place, hanging out with like minded people and experiencing all the frivolity a festival can bring? Apparently it's this guy and as I usually do, I have a theory.
  At the beginning, beer festivals were novel and fun, Kat would drive or we'd take a cab and get bombed on great and not so great beer, one 4 to 6 ounce sample at a time. I always went to every event with the intention of only sampling a few beers and maintaining my wits but ten minutes in and  I'm downing beer like Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas and trying to test every beer offered. It's loud and the lines may be long but all I can think of is pounding the next one, regardless of style or flavour profile.

  What makes me like this? I practice self control all the time at home and this should be no different except for one thing...I have to be social and that's when the anxious nervousness kicks in and I turn to the one thing I know can calm me down. Every sample alleviates my fears, bringing a false peace that exists only if my blood alcohol reaches a state of pure drunkenness. I have never gotten comfortable in relating to other people without alcohol and that is something I guess I should work on but I'm not sure if a hall full of $3 beers is a place to explore and confront the demons of anxiety.
  I don't like waking up the next morning feeling the effects of the previous evening. When I drink at home, I never go hard, preferring to enjoy every beer for what it is and not get hammered. I have no desire to see the return of the blackness and despite my best efforts, it always happens when I get together with a group of people and the beer flows. I chase inebriation in a crowd like a dog on a bone, my one skill as a former heavy drinker is the ability to put away a lot of beer faster than almost everyone else. The slurring words, half open eyes and poor motor skills are but a happy by product of a night filled indulging the worst of who I was and could be, I don't blame the festivals or the people I know, I just can't help who I am. That nagging voice comes creeping in whenever we hit the entrance and my self doubt about being able to handle a crowd without liquid courage roars into the front of my mind.

  It is funny that I spend 50+ hours a week working with the public in my job and at no point do I crave a beer. I mean, who wouldn't love a pint at lunch but I don't need alcohol to be able to do what I do. I talk to and deal with so many people and their problems every day and don't let it affect me but put me in a convention centre with 20 breweries and 5 friends and I'm looking for a funnel and a keg. It's not normal but it is what I deal with. Maybe it's the bro factor, no matter where we go, it's creeping its way into this craft beer space as the scene becomes more popular and mainstream. Or maybe it's that I can't really enjoy and experience each beer the way I've trained myself to that makes me lose control. Not staying focused and present in the moment and scrambling to get to the next one is not how I drink anymore nor do I have any desire to return to that life.
  It would be silly to say these festivals aren't about drinking a lot of beer. If you have 20 brewers show up with even 3 beers each that's 60 possible samples over perhaps 4 or 5 hours at best. After the 10th one, you're not really getting much out to them anymore except the ABV if you're being honest and that is fine for most people. They attend these events to have fun and let loose and I can support that whole heartedly. I will continue to promote and encourage people to go to these events but for me, right now, the cost in both money and my self worth is far too high a price to pay.
  The answers I seek about myself aren't always the ones I like to find but my pursuit of an honest and open life mean that is what I get sometimes. I don't want to give the impression that I don't like festivals, the people who attend them or the breweries who participate, I just am struggling with the person I become when I go. Not everyone has that kind of problem and I do love to see the pictures and stories my friends share when they go to various events around the world. I hope someday I will be able to come back in a better state of mind and without the anxiety driving me to forget everything I've worked so hard on and lean in hard on getting my drunken stupor on. Life is funny but not when your knee deep in a sea of trying to bullshit yourself about being in control.
  I'll be cheering you all on from the sidelines this year and hoping everyone has a safe and fun time at every event. The people who volunteer or work them are pretty awesome too and along with my extended beer family, those are the things  I will miss the most. But after a lot of time spent reflecting on my own mental health, I do need a break from that part of my craft beer life so that I can keep my sanity intact.
Have fun and remember to try something new when you get the chance, that's a pretty awesome part of any festival for me.


Cheers!
Polk
 
 


 

150 - The Real Truth in May

150.

  The number of beers I drank during the Truth in May was just that...almost 5 per day. That seem like a lot to you? Because it seems like way more than I thought I consumed when I set out to document what was a craft beer lover who maybe tipped back a few more than the average person. I didn't or couldn't imagine that as the final number because I was convinced I was having one or two most nights with the occasional evening of 5 or 6. What I found was as the month went on that most were 4 or 5 and some came in at 9...even with sharing, that many beers more than once in a blue moon is troubling to say the least.

Beer No 1 just after midnight on May 1st

  I only had one evening where I would say I chased the darkness and given that it was at the Albino Rhino beer fest with a whole whack of my friends, I have no issue with that particular day, even though it topped at least 12 pints all in. We were sharing beers and having a great time doing it, nights like that are few and far between for me, so I again am okay with it.

A Rhino and a Polkaroo!

  The other ones though are the ones I want to talk about here.

  I like beer, that is pretty easy to see. I've always liked it, for different reasons, but historically for how it made me feel and as a social lubricant. When I fell into craft beer, it opened my eyes to what I was really doing with my macro loving overindulgence and I could feel the brakes come on and my consumption plummeted. I went from 3 or 4 24's a week to a much lower count, albeit with higher alcohol contents and bigger formats. But I wasn't getting hammered every night and that was something really positive. That continued through to the Truth in May, I still drank less than I used to but more than I thought I did.

Posted 3 times during the Month. A slow sipper I usually kept to myself.

  One thing about my consumption that I have struggled with has been that I didn't feel I was drinking for the wrong reasons. I was enjoying every sip, writing and talking to my virtual and real life friends and doing all the stuff I had to do in my normal, non beer

life. I went to work every day, did my chores at home, went out a few times when the budget allowed it and generally lived my life in a positive and mindful manner. So how to bring that together with the fact that by any definition my drinking is both binge and alcoholic in nature when I don't feel that way personally. Craft beer and the community of people I have met have brought me much happiness and a renewed sense of purpose. Writing about beer every time I drank one and finding a picture was challenging but fun and I was glad to share the boring, mundane late night pint as much as that special edition Imperial IPA that I go all out to showcase. Am I making excuses to deflect from the fact that I drank 150 beers in a month and cannot stop on my own accord? I hope not and that is why its taken me a week to finally sit down and start to comprehend what it all means.

One of my favourite beers from May. So good.

  I started this post 6 times, each one different and none giving me satisfaction. That you are reading this means I found my voice and it both soothes and troubles me. To any normal person I am an alcoholic, a high functioning one, but still alcohol dependant. I cannot dispute that fact, I want to have a few beers every day but not to the detriment of my necessary tasks. I could not imagine drinking before work or getting smashed every night. It doesn't fit in with my life now but I do want that new or favourite beer and I enjoy writing about them several times a day. I discovered that it was those validations from social media that were driving a lot of my drinking. I always drank 4 or 5 a night but would save a few to post the next day so I could spread them out over a longer period. So I didn't drink more to post it, I merely posted it when I drank it and saw the truth in pictures every day. It bothered me a bit but didn't stop me in the least. That I didn't drink too much was always my argument and with every beer that went on Instagram, that façade was crumbling.

  Working in the service industry for 30 plus years certainly drives a good part of my love of beer and its' calming nature. I do not love what I do but it pays well and I am far past the age where I search for validation from my employment. When you're a blue collar working man, you care about doing a good job for a salary that pays the bills and maybe a little extra. I work to live but I do not live to work. Let me win the lottery and I will be the same guy but way happier. So my drinking is a reflection of a life in service to others and a way to let go of the anger that must be reined in when people treat you like a piece of furniture. Abuse of service people is a whole other topic and the stories I have from the trenches would make you question your humanity. People are good but the ones who we often spend the most time dealing with would make a teetotaller drink...a lot.

A few new breweries opened in Hamilton during the Month. Merit was first.


  Another large and usually quiet reason I do what I do is that we don't have any children. While we wish we did, and honestly every few days I wonder if we gave up too soon, the fact is that after work, I have absolutely zero responsibilities. I have to do my household maintenance and cook the occasional meal, but in terms of things I must do, there is nothing. I don't give in to familial guilt about things and without children we don't get invited to or feel comfortable attending many of the kid centric events that surround people with large families. Our friends are now largely craft beer folk so events we do with them tend to exacerbate rather than alleviate my consumption. But the very simple fact that when I have done what I need to for survival, I am free to do or not do anything I want. It is freeing, a little selfish and the truth in my life. So I have to admit that it is a large part why I can enjoy so many beverages, especially on my days off. Mow the lawn, clean the house, do a little laundry and then the rest of the day is mine. I can't apologize for a life that I stumbled into and I have no doubts that if there were children in our lives, I would not be doing the things I do now. At least, I can hope.

Fairweather Brewing in Hamilton opened just before the end of May.

  So with this long and meandering piece have I learned anything about what last month meant to me? I think so, I understand that my child free lifestyle has allowed me to claim a future that is focused on myself and those I choose to let in my life. My work schedule of long shifts, working most weekends and with the public leaves me feeling a need for a few pints after a long day, no harm in that on my part. I like the way 2 or 3 drinks make me feel and the release they give me, but I don't want to escape into the blackness that I used to chase. I understand that drinking 5 beers a day is not normal, not necessarily healthy or productive, but I see no reason to stop. I will make a better effort to find something to occupy my time but creating art with beer pictures and getting to tell stories of my life are important to me and my mental health. I am a caring and loyal person but I guard my free time jealously and plan for days when  I have almost no interaction with other people because I can. I feel a lot of sadness that I will never be someone's dad and want nothing more than to see that change, but it will not. I will work harder in my job, more hours, stress and I will be fine with that because it will give me the money and freedom to do the things I want when I am not there. I do not hate my life. I only get one, so I value every moment and day.

Beer #150 for the Month.

 Do I drink too much was the question I asked and the answer is way more complicated than I could have imagined. Yes, by every conventional standard, I do qualify as a heavy drinker. Clinically I am an alcoholic and if labels make people happy, feel free to call me that. Do I crave beer at the expense of living my life and doing the things that I need to do? Not at all and the knowledge that I have the ability to limit what I consume is something I probably need to spend more time on. I love my family and friends and want them to be happy and successful but because my path is now non traditional and child free, I will have to find out where that leads me. I do drink too much but in my life, that's what I do. I was for many years a person who put everyone else first and while I have wonderful memories, I plan that the second half of my (hopefully) long life is when I learn to say no and live a little more for me. The craft beer revolution has found me a way to express myself that I thought was lost forever and given me opportunities for adventures I didn't know existed. My own personal evolution as the Drunk Polkaroo has given me a platform from which to help others and myself. I want to think I learned something but the real truth from May is that I am having a good time and with everything else in the world feeling like it is headed to hell in a handbasket, my enjoying 5 beers a night and talking about them is the least worrying thing in my life.

  So thank you to everyone who followed along, hung out for a few pints during the month or dropped in from time to time to see where I was. It wasn't my intention to drink 150 beers in a month, but having done so, I must accept what it says about my life. I wish I could say I will drink less, but I will never lie to you my friends, Let's just say I am more aware of what is going into my glass and I am looking forward to a bright future with tales and great times with more of you.

Raise your glass and your standards,
One Beer at a time.

Cheers!

Polk


The Numbers from the Truth in May
76 Different Breweries.
(W means I worked that day, O means Day off)
1st - 5 W
2nd - 4 O
3rd  - 4 W
4th - 4 O
5th - 1 W
6th - 2 W
7th - 2 W
8th - 6 W
9th - 4  O
10th - 3 W
11th - 7 O
12th - 4 W
13th - 4 W
14th - 3 W
15th - 5 W
16th - 4 W
17th - 4 W
18th - 6 W
19th - 4 W
20th - 6 W
21st - 4 W
22nd - 9 O
23rd - 7 O
24th -  2 W
25th - 5 O
26th - 3 W
27th - 12 O
28th - 3 W
29th - 5 W
30th - 8 O
31st - 9 W