Santa Claus and Santa Polk - Love and Christmas magic.

 

The Christmas season used to my my favourite. The parties and gatherings spread out over the month meant getting together with friends and family to spend a little time celebrating another year and looking forward to the next one. The last couple of years have taken a bit of a toll on my love for the holidays and I'll be honest, without my having the Polk persona to help lift me up, it would be likely no decorations, movies or Christmas music would be seen or heard in my home. It just isn't there anymore. Be it not having children, the unending struggle of keeping things going financially and feeling emotionally drained as our lives have changed so much in the last 6 years. There is little doubt that my path to Christmas is littered with self imposed obstacles to getting back to where I once was.

Enter Santa Polk, courtesy of my Aunt Karen and Uncle Tom.

  My beer advent calenders have helped to make the season a bit brighter and I have included myself in every holiday beer picture as kind of a 'proof of life' moment for myself. I'm still here, I'm still standing . The inclusion of the Santa suit, however, is a little more meaningful than most people know. It belonged to my late Uncle Tom, who played the most loving of Santa's you would ever know. Every year he would do events and malls, donating the proceeds to Camp Trillium, a camp for children with cancer to go to so they might enjoy some time in the great outdoors. He didn't so much play Santa as become him, embodying the role with a verve and gusto I would watch in amazement every year. We were close, I remember sitting with him the night before my wedding to Kat, quietly talking about life as the beer flowed, things like that stick with you a long time.

  After he passed away, my aunt Karen asked if I would like the suit, a symbol of something bigger than myself or the season to me. I was hesitant, but relented and hung it with care in the spare room until it finally became clear to me a use for this piece of magic. The Advent Calendar and my quasi fictional character of the Drunk Polkaroo come together each December to try and spark a little joy in a dark and dreary world. The suit has powers I cannot describe, but when I finally hit the halfway mark and don the jacket, beard and glasses, it starts to feel a little more festive, a little more love and a little more hope. I will never capture it completely, it hovers just ahead of me, but I feel the glow and love that it contains and feel peaceful and serene.

  This year I will be taking another step as I take Santa Polk out in public for the first time ever. I've always confined it to my house, pictures and videos, having a little fun and celebrating the memory of a good friend and mentor. When my friend Jeremy from Clifford Brewing here in Hamilton asked if I would be able to help raise some funds and gather toys for some kids who need a little help this year, I couldn't say no, despite that little voice inside that seems to win more times than not when it comes to doing anything other than work and sitting here at home. I felt something give me the strength to say yes and while I am filled with apprehension, the shoes I step into, literally, have been walked in by a legend in red.
  So this Saturday, December 14th at 4 p.m., I'm gonna take Santa Polk out to Clifford Brewing, give my Christmas blues the boot and take up the chair of Santa to try and bring some good to the world with a little laugh and a lot of leaning on the man who came before me. Join us if you can, an unwrapped, new toy gets you a free beer and a chance to take a pic with this jolly fat guy, bring your dogs, kids and friends and help spread the love a little further this year.
  Scared? Yeah, a little, but I think I have a secret weapon and Uncle Tom's legacy, memory and love of us and the season is very much alive every time I put on that suit of Santa Claus...because I knew the real one.

Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Polk

An Odd Morning

Driving home from work and I was looking forward, as is usual for me, to a few pints in the Grotto with the next day being my first off in a week. I had missed many dinners with the late nights and overtime but since we don't have kids, it didn't really impact us that much. Kat and I spend a few hours together and then she heads to bed while I stay up a little later for some quality time alone with a beer to settle my mind. I started thinking about how different our life would be with kids, how the hell people afford them and what I would be doing if we did have them. I pretty sure I'd be different too and chances are I would but I also started to wonder about what I want to do with the back half of my life.
  Life without kids isn't really something people like to talk about. Some give their time to charitable and community organisations. Others concentrate on their extended families, becoming integral to nieces and nephews and involved in their lives to contribute something. I thought about some of these things, but my work schedule sees me home long after most everything that would like my help or on the weekends when I almost never am off. It crossed my mind to go back to coaching but in reality, with my schedule I would miss almost every game and practice, rendering me at best an ineffective assistant who would be missing 80 percent of the time.
  So where does that leave me? I ponder what I am doing, working so hard and despite the financial rewards, do I need to pursue money for the sake of money? When you have children, your focus obviously shifts to making sure they have a better life than you did. You strive to give them the best you can and  sacrifice to ensure that happens. I don't have to do that, the only people I have to worry about is Kathryn and myself if you get right down to it. I love my extended and immediate family but through the combination of lifestyle, work and just plain neglect, I have become a peripheral member at best. I wish them only the best things, but I am not involved enough to be considered anything but a member in name only it feels sometime. Perhaps as we get older, things will change with a little more effort on both sides.
  I used to be involved in all sorts of family events, hosting and planning them because I wanted to ensure a strong bond and a history of family traditions for my future children. Not having them means that any tradition becomes moot after I die, perhaps the memory of what I did carried for a generation but then I become a picture in an album that eventually finds its way to that dusty attic. A little dark but not untrue. I can tell stories of long ago relatives, but do the children of my cousins and brothers know them? How long before they are left to the past and a world that goes on regardless? Its a weird way to look at life I will agree, but it's where I am right now.  The best thing about writing down my thoughts is to help me see what is bothering me and when I am finished, they tend to recede to the past.
 With holiday season approaching, I become more introspective about what they mean and how I want to deal with them. Thanksgiving has long been avoided, along with easter, because they never felt like fun. Having to choose which side to go to makes it a minefield and I am not even going to get into Christmas, that mess isn't made better by hosting. I see nothing of value in forced bonhomie with anyone and since we really don't celebrate any of them with the verve of those around us, I am always left with nothing to say when we get together. We don't exchange gifts or have anything near a traditional holiday. It isn't necessary to perpetuate the myths of the santa or the rush of presents and family time when it is just two people, we buy the stuff we need and occasionally what we want when we can afford it. Just because it's December doesn't mean we suddenly have more money for things we don't need. So not being part of that and stepping out of the larger family gift giving takes us further afield. It's not the season of my youth obviously and while I do enjoy the trappings of the season, the specials on TV, the beer and the food, I cannot get excited about something I no longer participate in. I don't hate Christmas or anything like that, it's just different for me now and I don't know if I like that or not.
 It's not a "pity party" as one wonderful member of my family said of my work last week, I just write what I am thinking to help me understand it. None of this is ever intended to ask for sympathy, it is and has always been a way for me to convey my feelings, work out the problems I am having and maybe help someone who is suffering in silence to realise that they are not alone. I don't want anyone to think I hate my life or how it has turned out. I write because it works for me, no one has to read it if it bothers them, I would never want that. My social life has shrunk but thanks to my online friends I can always find someone to talk to and that has added value to my life that I can't measure. Do I want to go out more? Sure I do and I hope we will as my work life returns to a more normal pace.
  It is easy to become inward looking when you don't have to look outward and you see the march of time ending with your own demise. I get a little maudlin when I realise all this comes to an end when I go and no one carries on the lessons I would teach. But it isn't all doom and gloom, I intend to squeeze every moment of enjoyment I can out of whatever time I have left. I will do what I want to and make decisions about my life that enhance it wherever I can. It's been a weird way to arrive at this conclusion, but that is what this process has always been for me. Write and understand my own mind, it's taken me far and I don't want to stop now. The depression and low feelings are a thing of the past and it is though this medium that I have found peace with who I am. I'll be as surprised as you where this all ends up,

Make Time this Christmas to be Present

All of us in one place? Not as easy as it used to be.

As I was driving home last night, I was thinking about Christmas. More specifically about all the great things we did when I was a kid. It was a real treat to grow up in my family, Christmas was considered to be the best time of the year. not just because of presents, but due to all the get togethers and various functions both sides of my family would have. Christmas parties, visits to our house and visiting other people kept us going crazy all month long. Christmas Eve was the most looked forward to night of the year. Papa and Grandma would come over to our house, soon to be joined by a large contingent of my fathers' family. It was a loud, boisterous time and when it died down it was off to my mothers' side and even more Christmas. Grampa and Granny brought the whole brood under their roof every Christmas Eve and more libations and presents were exchanged. There would be 30 plus people crammed into that little house and what fun we had. 

The point of this little non-beer related post is that while I thinking of these wonderful times, I started to contemplate the future. Already these traditions are changed from when I was a kid. That is natural, things change. But what struck me was what Christmas will be like in 10, 15 or 20 years from now for me and Kat. We do not have kids, hopefully we will, but nothing is certain. My extended family rarely can get together because everyone is "busy". I am guilty of this myself. Just wanting to go home and try a beer or two before crashing out for the night. The thought I kept coming back to was not the presents of Christmas past, but the presence of the people who made it my favourite time of the year.

I am lucky enough at 42 to still have my Granny around to keep me grounded in those childhood days. She does an amazing job of bringing us all together on the Eve and at 90 has more energy than pretty much any of us. But still, there are some things I really miss.

 My Papa and Grandma coming through the door on Christmas Eve was one of my favourite memories and I always kind of wish I could have that feeling one more time.

 Walking into Grampa's house and seeing him sitting at the kitchen table waiting for all of us to arrive for that same night is another thing that I would love to experience again.

So many other moments big and small that make my Christmas memories shine.

Life doesn't work that way. All I have are my memories and that is what I am getting at. It truly is the people who are not here that strikes me the hardest. We lost my Uncle Tom this year and he loved Christmas more than almost anyone. He played Santa Claus and raised money for charity doing it. He loved to watch the kids eyes light up when he walked into a room, dressed as Santa or not. We've said good bye to more amazing people than I care to remember. Brothers, sisters, parents, extended family and friends passing from this world far too soon. This is what made me open my eyes.

I am sure we all have fond memories of those who are not here. I ache at their not being with us and saddened to see those around me suffer from the pain of the important people who they've lost and cannot have with them at this most joyous time of the year. This has struck the chord with me. What about the people who are here, but whom we do not make the effort to see. What about that best friend you've fallen out of touch with because trying to fit them into your schedule is "hard". What about that family member who you don't talk to because of some slight years ago. What about all the people who we want to reach out to but feel too much time has passed and despite our best intentions, we just don't try.

This is the thing. I am sure we all feel rushed. We shouldn't, but we do. Always trying to cram more things and events into our hectic schedules, but missing out on what is truly needed. Time is a commodity that isn't bankable. All we have is the here and now. You are not promised tomorrow, so get on with your life today.

I know it sounds simple. Pick up the phone, drop by for a visit or send a text message and get together for a pint. It isn't that easy for most of us. Maybe we feel some shame at letting people lapse out of our lives or not being there when they called. Perhaps we've spent to much time looking inward at our own lives and not enough time trying to connect to our wider circle of family and friends. I don't know what it is you miss, but I am sure it is something or someone. And that is the whole point of my rambling.

There is time, as Scrooge learned, to start all over again. It really never is to late to come back home. Just because we have fallen apart does not mean we cannot put it back together again. My biggest fear is who I will be missing next year. Hopefully no one, but we never know when our time here on this planet is up.  I do not want to be sitting here next December thinking about someone I've lost and wishing I had spent more time with them, especially at Christmas. You do not want to remember someone you love and regret that you couldn't find the time to include them in your life. People are not perfect. We know all too many ways to hurt one another and often do so without malice. That is the thing I want to stress the most. If you can forgive someone, do it, you will be better off for it. Hanging on to old wounds if it is possible to heal them is not going to be something you will treasure as the years pass.  I am as guilty as anyone at holding a grudge, but all that gets me is exactly nothing. By all means do not interact with someone who actively hurts you emotionally or physically. I am well aware that there are some things people do that are just not forgivable. But I am talking about those things which seemed so big at the time, but now you can see them for what they truly are and wish there was some way to repair the damage.

Don't let 2015 pass by without trying to do better. Make the first step and I think you will be surprised at what happens. At the very least, you tried. Forgive yourself while you're at it. You are never as bad as you think you are. Have some humility, you are not better than anyone either. Try to get along with people, it makes life better. And most of all, go home. Wherever that is. Go there, raise a glass of egg nog, or beer or coffee and toast your amazing luck at having found your way through that door. I may only have my memories of those long ago days, but that isn't a reason to not make new ones. Please do yourself a favour and at least try.

Someone misses you, I guarantee it.

Merry Christmas!