When I was angry...

  I found myself staring angrily at the screen last night. Scorn and rage were coming out of my fingertips and as a person I thought was my friend continued to speak ill of me behind my back and online I was ready for a full on war. Words are my weapons and I was ready to unleash the hell of verbal assault on this individual. While I was coming from a place of hurt, especially after all I had thought our friendship was, it was a dark hole and the spiral was very real. My positive outlook often can help me through these times, but last night I couldn't hear that voice, only the pain and anger built up inside me. I could feel the tears and the fear that comes from the natural reaction to being put in a position of defense and knew I could take this to a higher and more dangerous level with very little effort. It surprised me that my anger had so much energy, it took little to set me off and my foot went right to the floor for maximum acceleration. The world is full of knee jerk reactions spilling over into a terrible tailspin and that is where I was headed.
  My default position used to be that kind of angry response to any kind of slight, real or imagined. I could rail for days or even weeks on my high horse and it was (and is) draining. Emotional and physical manifestations of anger take a lot out of a person, emptying you and leaving you seeking even higher levels of that emotion to sustain it. I would spiral into dangerous places in my head and that could lead to crippling anxiety and my old friend depression as I felt trapped by my own feelings and needing to strike out in any way I could. Not physically mind you, I have always been more of a talker, but I would do what I could to make sure my voice was raised and my anger known.
  The last few years have taught me some sense of my own faults and I have worked very hard to address the demons I let take control for far too long. Be it my dependence on drinking to forget or hiding out in my own black space, I strived to be better and make my voice a bright one in the world. While my exploration of craft beer has led me to find new friends and experiences, there always remains a darkness in the back of my mind. Some small and unintended remark still gets my head up and looking for revenge, fight or flight engaged and my fingers poised to attack. The blindness of anger and rage give me a hyper focus that blocks out all the good I have come to know and sends the spiral into a deep and fast descent.
  Such was last night...until a friend reached out and touched me in my heart. A simple message and I could feel the anger dissipating, ebbing away like a bad headache under a cool cloth. They reminded me of the innate goodness that surrounds me just by giving me back my own humanity and helping me realise what I was doing. Petty bullshit and drama is not who I am anymore and I was leaning hard into the wind with both of those. Perhaps I should just be better than that, maybe I should let go of the hate that boils up when I am pushed to my limit and beyond. Words do matter and I was using mine in all the wrong ways for worse reasons. It was almost as if by stopping me with her message, she gave me permission to let this go. I am not sure why but I just felt that way almost immediately. The wonderful thing about our social media lives, much like our real ones, is that we can just cut out the person who tries to make us come down to their level. Block, delete and walk away from the black hole that is trying to suck you in. Being prone to the darkness means I can take that turn on a dime, good friends mean I don't have to.
  Thank you to the person who sent me a lifeline when I was drowning in my own vile anger and goodbye to the person whom I thought was my friend. Valuable lessons from both and while I mourn the loss of one, I am indebted to the other for letting me see myself again. Life is too short to be angry all the time and I will endeavour to remember that better next time someone tries to get me to react that way. Try to be good to each other, it really is such a beautiful way to live.


Polk

500 Days

Cheers to 500 more!

  On November 21st, 2015 I did not have a beer.

  This was the last time that happened and now 500 days have come and gone with at least one pint in my glass.

  I'm not sure if I need a meeting or another beer.
  In those 500 days, I have written 1197 Instagram reviews, recorded 148 YouTube videos, composed 149 (now 150) blog posts and tried well over 1500 new craft beers. More importantly, I have met some truly amazing people that have brought much joy to my life. I wrote about making it an entire year last November (Has it been a Year Already?) and the sentiments still ring true another 135 days later. We have travelled to many new cities in search of great beer, seeing Quebec City for the first time is a prime example of that and become part of a community I didn't even know existed. 

Quebec City Taberbnac Beer Saint Crew

I never imagined that as I passed 40 I would be making so many new friends and getting to live a little of my dream of being a writer. People I would never have met in ten lifetimes have become dear friends and I am inspired daily by them.

With the OG Beer Saints in Durham

 It wasn't a goal to keep going every day past December 31st, 2016 and I gave some serious thought to doing the whole "Dry January" thing as I woke up on the 1st of this year clear headed for the first time in over 25 years. I admire the people that can have that kind of discipline and who are able to resist the temptations a delicious craft beer offers. I let the idea percolate again after my birthday week trip to 50 breweries around the province. Maybe just a day or a week without a beer wouldn't be so bad, I have a lot of great pictures and reviews just waiting to publish and could keep right on posting on social media without missing a step. I took a moment and stepped outside myself to look at where I was in my life and what not having a beer would do for me.  I considered if I needed the beer or just wanted it. Did it still have the power it used to over me or was I truly past the need to bury my problems behind an alcoholic haze.

Always a good day when I spend it with this lady.

 There are many nights I come home stressed to the very limits of my ability to deal with life. Work, family and the everyday worries of millions of people give rise to all manner of coping mechanisms and mine was always drinking. So where I used to come crashing through the door and within minutes be knee deep into a six pack of Brava Light or Pabst, I found myself resisting the urge to have a beer at all. Partly because I don't drink macro pounders anymore but also because I no longer view beer as a way to escape from my life. I purposely will settle into my chair and close my eyes to think and let go of whatever is bothering me. I may turn to writing down the issue so I can work it out through my own rambling style of communication. There are literally dozens of posts not published but merely written so I could let go of the problem that was troubling me and causing the return of my demons. It is only after I feel at peace that I will head to the fridge for, most often, my only beer of the day. This is what really happens here most nights. I know many people think I get hammered every day and I'll admit, it is very tempting sometimes to slip back into that comfortable numbness that used to envelope me as my mind slowly devolved into the darkness. But I do not want to find myself staring up at the ceiling surrounded by empty reminders of a night I drank to forget. I don't want to run from my problems, I've learned they just follow you anyway. The ability to understand why I drank so much allows me to identify and stop that behaviour more often now. Do I slip up sometimes? Rarely and becoming even closer to non existent. I don't want to miss out on the people who are a part of our lives and places we are getting to go. Being blackout drunk doesn't mean you had fun, it means you missed out on everything that happened.

A highlight I'll never forget. Brew day at Great Lakes!

   Craft just isn't better beer, it is a better way of life. So while perhaps I may or may not have a beer tomorrow or the next day, it is now my choice and not that of a man who was scared of his own mind. Clouding the "could have been's" and making it worse by getting drunk has lost its appeal despite the appearance of a non stop party on Social media. The beer I choose to drink now is for enjoying, savouring and exploring. It is a vehicle to a new and different way of life that still is evolving and changing as we go. I am grateful for all the new friends who embrace what I do and encourage me to pursue my dreams, no matter how crazy they seem. The people who read my posts, watch my videos or just hang out and talk  in real life are the real treasure I have gained in the last 500 days and that is what matters most.

One more because Kathryn is always making me look better!

 Thanks for hanging around and know that I am always and forever just a regular guy who wants to enjoy his time on this planet with some great friends, awesome beer and maybe the odd road trip. It's always a good day when you can wake up and not have to worry about what happened the night before. This train is just leaving the station and I don't want to miss a moment.

Raise your glass and your standards,
One beer at a time!


Cheers!


Polk