Every business appears viable right up until the point that it no longer is. Sure, some will send out clarion calls for help, try to encourage support from the local community, but for the most part, the pride and shame of what owning a business that is teetering on the brink is usually kept inside until the doors shut for the final time.
Now, I am not in possession of any secret information of what is happening inside Ontario Craft beer, I do however have an intimate understanding of owning a small, independent business and the struggles that can entail. I see patterns and hear things, watching from close and afar, I know the desperation some folks are feeling, when everyday seems like another step toward failure. You cringe every time the phone rings or another letter arrives screaming out final notice. This isn't a lesson anyone needs to learn from experience, but if you've been through it, you know just how gut wrenching it can be.
When you own a public facing business, especially one like a brewery or restaurant, you are often out there in front of the house or online as the face and voice of your place. Your identity quickly becomes intertwined with that of your dream and your work and with the advent of social media in the last 20 years, it has become increasingly more public with more interest hopefully driving higher sales. The smaller the footprint, the larger your presence will be felt in terms of your connection to the public, they see you as the point of contact and reference you by name as though you are everything. And, in a way, you are. It feels like everything is you.
Running a small business has always been driven by people who have a vision and make things happen to realize that dream. They clear hurdles, naysayers and self doubt to arrive at opening day, filled with joy and pride, a tired happiness that sees the doors open for the first time. In the case of beer, it is even larger as people truly do want to support local, sometimes at the expense of quality, they are more forgiving when the owner is right at the taps, sharing a taste of what their imagination has given to reality. But even the best made beer doesn't ensure survival, it is at the very heart of everything we know and taste, but there are different forces far outside of anyone's control are often the most destructive and crushing.
There was a time, early on in my ultimately futile attempt to right the ship that was my life, that I thought I could pull out of the downward spiral by sheer force of will. By working longer hours, harder and with less return I could swing the financial home run I needed to stay open. I watched the numbers tell me the opposite, but I still found a way to convince myself I was just a good month away from solving the mounting list of debts and problems points piling up. But more importantly, it was with a good amount of fear that I would fail in front of the world and then who would I be. That fear drove my descent into a terrible mental health crisis that I have documented over the last 8 years here and on other platforms. There comes a moment when you finally understand that there is no one coming to save you, every mistake you made or success you created did not matter because the end and the truth are staring right back at you in the mirror. It can feel hopeless and the darkness of ending it all feels very real, I went down some very somber, disturbing roads and held on for dear life to the small things I could keep on living for.
As for the current situation that has seen a slow but gradual drip of brewery closures, mergers and acquisitions for the beer scene here in Ontario, so much of that has been driven by some of the factors that we can all identify with if we imagine ourselves in those positions. The pandemic loans are playing a part to be sure, the CEBA program was designed to help keep businesses afloat during lockdowns and despite some forgiveness and extensions, it is proving to be difficult for many places to find a way to pay them back or get extended credit to float them by. Dry January and February continue to do no good for breweries, driving down sales in the two slowest months of the year, albeit with a good cause in mind, just a terrible time to do it. The changing economic landscape no doubt has been a large part of what is driving up inflation, rent and utilities continue to rise and the cost of goods rides that wave right into your profit and loss columns. It is more than just one thing happening that is causing this foreboding feeling, there was easy money for so long and we didn't think that would ever stop. Who wants to look for darkness when all you want to see is light. There are places I am sure who have over extended themselves because they saw a path forward through growth and in the end it wasn't enough. I know that feeling myself, having taken on more debt to renovate the business that I hoped would help, doing much of the work myself and knowing deep down that I was only chasing a whisper to a dream.
There are a myriad of reasons why businesses succeed or fail and when we see someone have to finally give up that dream, we pass on our condolences and move onto the next beer. But I can tell you, those of us who have had to hear those goodbyes internalize that loss. We feel it in our guts, we lie awake at night even after it's all over, wondering what we could have done differently or better to make everything work. We carry an invisible weight that often crushes our identity and we lose a bit of ourselves every day after. I went to some very dark places, lost a lot of people I called friends (who I miss terribly every day), because I could not see myself worthy of any good in my life, I was tied to that business and its failure was a personal one that lives with me to this day.
It has taken me more than a decade to get to this point where I finally feel that tether to the past letting me go. I'm sure if I could do it all over again, I would have sought professional help for my mental health as everything fell apart around me. I know it is possible to bounce back, to rebuild your life and let go of that dream, but in the very real and raw time of the moment it all stops, you feel more alone than you ever had. I encourage anyone who is in this struggle right now to try and reach out to those around you who love you. They will be the strength you may need. Do not associate a business failure with some kind of character flaw or internal moral debt. Seek out someone to talk to about this very real loss, it is something you will grieve and therapy isn't a bad word, despite the macho mentality of going it alone. I know, it almost killed me in the end to keep it all inside. There is life to be lived outside the walls you've built up to try and keep it all together.
I didn't know what today was going to bring, I had some ideas about what I wanted to write about. Happy, silly things like beer fridges, nostalgic beers and some other stuff, but I felt this was a time to talk about my own difficult experience so maybe I could reach someone out there who is feeling the weight of the world coming down on them to tell them there is a future and you deserve to be in it. Life isn't work, you are more than what you tried to make come true. Craft beer has been an incredible influence on my life in the last 9 years, but there are serious problems everywhere in the industry and the honest truth is that 2024 is going to be a difficult year for some people we have come to know and love. Support your favourite breweries and other local businesses when you are able.
We are all in this together.
All my love for the folks who keep on believin'...long after the music stops.
Polk
January 29th, 2024
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