I don't know if I've seen my rock bottom, but I sure as hell hope that I have. Broken hearts, crushed dreams and a future dashed against the rocks of reality have been with me many times over the years, mostly of my own doing. I've made impetuous decisions that altered the course of my life and suffered, at my own hands and actions, the results of not looking forward. It was never a conscious decision to throw so much of my life away, but I did it nonetheless. Entering my 20's without an anchor or a dream, I married a lovely lady despite the fact that we were not ready or good for each other. I thank my lucky stars that she was smart enough to cleave the knife on our ill fated journey early, that both of us have found happiness apart and now are friends with a history that brings smiles and not tears. I wandered from job to job, always with alcohol keeping my mind at ease about the fruitlessness of my empty life. Covering up the fact that my early promise of a life of substance was blown away by my lack of focus, addiction and apathy. It was always about today, to hell with tomorrow. I lived for that immediate satisfaction only several beers, shots or the occasional foray into something harder could bring and it is with some shame that there are large parts of my life I do not remember or have only the haziest recollections of.
Meeting Kathryn come at a time when my wheels were spinning and life had no direction. What was supposed to be a friendship blossomed and despite my continued troubles, she stood by me and our love grew. I wish the tale would take a turn for the better in that summer of 1997, but it still had miles to go and a darkness that had several shades of black to be added. Opening a business, getting married, buying a house and then trying to start a family brought some joy to my life, but still the rampage of alcohol abuse continued. Not all the time, not every day, but often enough that I developed and earned a reputation as a functional alcoholic. I never drove drunk, missed work or got into fights, but my lack of remorse for my actions is shameful for me to this day. Having found my niche as the party guy, I threw bigger and more drunken bashes, always focused on getting as much beer into me as possible, often more than a 24 in a single sitting. It was my only focus of any time alone to drink as many beers as I could before my body gave up and I would pass out, mind at rest but not at ease.
When you wake up and the thing you've built for over a decade is starting to come crumbling down around you and you have no idea why, it should be a sobering moment. Once again, I was not stopped by losing my way, even when financial ruin stared us in the face. The depression that had always been held at bay by alcohol, in a sense, came crashing down as I took a job that kept us in our home, but crushed what was left of my soul. Taken as a failure, I was treated as a liability but at least I could fill the roll of a simple line cook and pay the bills. The cheap beer continued to flow, only now it was every day and it was with purpose. That fleeting moment when the drunkenness took over the pain of my actions and I briefly felt a glimmer of joy, even though it was false.
While working 60 plus hours a week to keep the wolves at bay, I was certain I would die with a fryer basket and a beer in my hand. There was no hope, no future and as we had ended our pursuit of fertility treatments, no kids or family. It was then that Untappd came into my life and a world of new beer opened up. It isn't too much to say that this app changed my life, it literally did. I began to pursue the badges that you would receive for trying different styles of beer, for exploring new ones and leaving your everyday macros behind. I found a world of interesting flavours and people were waiting just outside my regular sphere and all it took was letting them in. I stopped pounding 8 or 10 beers every night and found my footing, scoring a better job and some self respect at the same time. For many of my old friends, my slow but steady transformation from drunken idiot to slow sipping craft beer lover was viewed with trepidation. many who knew my 20 plus years of self abuse could not believe that I would change for something as simple as better beer. I didn't for the longest time either, falling into a depression because I could no longer party like I used to but not really understanding that I didn't want to be that guy anymore. It has taken a long time for me to come to grips with my own past, to confront the demons I grew myself and to let go of my hate for myself for throwing away so much of my promise. I have had to leave some of my old life in order to grow a new one, many times I turn down invitations because I still have a weakness that can be hard to control if I begin to feel anxious. The old expectations are still there for so many who used to know me and now that I have turned the corner, I feel them looking at me as if I am a ghost of drunken Rob past.
The new friends that I have made because of the decision to begin writing about not only beer, but my life, have been a real blessing. They too appreciate the way craft beer has changed our lives and we all seem to share similar stories about walking that fine line between happy drunk and the gutter at one time or another in our lives. I am grateful to anyone who has ever been part of this life I've led and while I am feeling everyday more hopeful for the future, I know there are those who will never see me for anything but an drunken asshole. I cannot change the past, I can only acknowledge my roll in my own destruction, apologize and hope that they will come to see that it is indeed a new day in my world. I may take a bit of ribbing because I wax poetic about craft beer so much, but it is not being facetious to say that this community and the people in it have helped to save my life from what was sure to be an early and painful ending.
Writing about my beer on Instagram brought me into another level of interaction with the world and it has spawned into what you all now know as the Drunk Polkaroo blog, videos and well, adventures. I now use craft beer to enjoy, not escape life.
I have written about parts of this many times, my life seems to go in circles and I have learned that I cannot ignore something that is in my head, demanding to be written. I no longer fear the past or the future and despite losing so many years to depravity, excess and hubris, I want to believe that this is just the beginning of the second (or third) act of my life. There is so much to explore and if it takes me the rest of my days, I am going to pursue a life of passion, love and honesty about what I want.
Raise your glass and your standards,
One Beer at a time.
Cheers.
Rob
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