Enough

 I find myself in a weird position in life, a thing that gets magnified at work everyday when I talk to folks who are hustling to get by and hope to get ahead as the future rolls on. Seeking promotions, more money, more everything and while I understand it, hell it was me not so long ago, I find my hustle, my need for more has dissipated into the ether of my years and now all I seek is contentment, routine and just what I have. 

Enough.

I don't know how it came to be. We struggled for decades just to keep our heads above water, not always succeeding, but always striving for more and better...until now. I find myself at the crossroads of somewhat middle age, okay, two thirds age, but what I am after now more than anything is not trying to get more, to look at what other people have and wonder why I don't. I find myself looking in the mirror and occasionally smiling with a chuckle that I'm still standing and honestly it's fucking bizarre to be happy after years of Darkness. I won't lie, I still struggle with that feeling of losing hope, wondering about why I chased everyone away amd if I can ever find friends like that again, but for the most part and with a little help, I am okay.

The hustle of my younger years has left, I am more interested in the quality of my time, not how many hours I worked last week trying to squeeze one more dollar into my pocket. I seek no promotions, I don't want more responsibility and while I would not say no to a raise, I figure it will come when it comes and as long as I have enough, I'll make due until it isn't and then the conversation will be how to make what I have be enough for what I need. I sought to be something I thought I should be for so long, more money by working harder, longer and more than anyone else didn't get me a damn thing short of burnout and lost time doing what makes me happy. I do what I need to do at work for what they pay me to do, nothing more, nothing less. The exchange has finally become clear...only took me 35+ years...

Now I seek the minimum that I must do so that the time I have left on this planet can be spent seeking a sliver of the happiness I thought all that working could bring me. The time I lost giving to work will never come back and while it did indeed get me a chance to be here, at what cost did it come? 

I've got enough, now to figure out how to make that the thing that makes me happy so that whatever time I have left I can have fewer days under the clouds of my own demise and more sunshine giving me hope.

Polk

March 21st, 2024