Polk's Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

 

Ah Thanksgiving. That time of year when you either enjoy a wonderful meal with loved ones or a hellish time with unloved ones. There is nothing like seeing people you've missed and perhaps a few of the ones you've been avoiding. I hope it's a lot of the former and none of the latter but we all know there's one in every family...If you don't know who it is, it's probably you. There's a slippery slope when we get together and the booze starts flowing, so it is my pleasure to present you with a little guide to help you navigate your way through the evening. Every one needs a little help and with some wonderful Ontario Craft beer that you can find at the LCBO, you just might survive the weekend!
 (Feel free to substitute something you can get at your local brewery, it's the thought that counts.)


Pre-Drinking - Not a great idea  to get hammered before you even leave the house, but it doesn't hurt to loosen up with a crisp lager, ale or pilsner. Just remember not to drink and drive, get a cab or your funny Uncle Larry to pick you up on the way. Either way, these can be a good choice to start the day.

Side Launch Mountain Lager - ($3.00/473ml) - Easily one of the best lagers in Ontario, crisp clean and your father won't ask if you're going to finally drink a real beer when he sees you.

Steamwhistle - ($3.00/473ml) - Iconic and easy going, this one is probably the only craft beer most people in your family know. Buy a 6 pack of bottles ($14.15) and be a hero to your cousin who forgot to buy his own and was looking forlornly at your green bottle of grassy, Czech inspired brilliance.

Collective Arts Stash - ($2.75/473ml) - An almost crushable and retro feel to this ale from the Hammer. It'll impress your brother who thinks all craft beers have fruit in them. Easy there Justin, have another Coors.

Beau's All Natural Lug Tread - ($9.95/4x355ml) - This one is made for taking in your purse for the Uber ride over while you try to come up with a way to deflect from all the "Why haven't you settled down yet?" questions from your aunt. If there are a lot of those types of questions coming, maybe go bigger with the 600 ml bottles (4/$16.65)


Before Dinner - Arriving finds you perhaps exchanging hugs and kisses with people you love and missed or maybe it's an icy hello and a turn of the heel. Either way, it's time to step it up a bit with some pale ales, slightly bitter...like your sister.

Great Lake's Brewery Canuck Pale Ale - ($2.80/473ml) - Gordie is rugged, outdoorsy and a good bargain. All things your Grandma likes. Ask her to tell you a story about when she was little, the beer tastes even better when your talking to someone you love.

Maclean's Pale Ale - ($2.90/473ml.) - It's a classic Pale in a red can that may throw off your annoying uncle who likes to "tease" you but really is a jackass with a sadistic side. Sip it slowly and walk away when you can.

Descendant's Brewing Harbinger Pale Ale - (3.15/473) - The wicked label can be used to illustrate what wonderful opportunities there are in the world when the questions about what you are going to do with that fines arts degree start.

Collingwood Brewing Downhill Pale Ale - (3.00/473ml) - Remember that one time your parents took you to a resort and you got sick on the slide...they do and now your new girlfriend will too.


Dinner Time - At least now you can either A) Enjoy a warm meal made with love and shared with those you enjoy spending time with or B) Stare at your plate while that weird silence and the scrapping of utensils fills the air as everyone secretly wishes they'd stayed home plays out over the kinda dry turkey. Either way, it's time to start bringing out the big IPA guns.

Railway City Double Dead Elephant - ($4.25/473ml) - A maltier kick in the ass, but still better than listening to your uncle tell that joke that used to seem funny but now you know is just sexist and/or racist.

Collective Arts Ransack the Universe - ($3.35/473ml) - The beer from Hamilton that you can use as you try to explain why working on your Master's degree isn't like trying to avoid getting a real job.

Amsterdam Brewing Fracture - ($4.00/473ml) - The skull on the can could serve as a cool conversation starter about how much craft beer has changed your life or an apt metaphor for how your family is really getting along now...

Flying Monkey's Brewery Juicy Ass - ($3.25/473ml) - A great beer and a sure fire way to start an argument with your mother about table manners.

Muskoka Brewing Twice As Mad Tom - ($3.50/473ml) - Yes there's 5 on this list, dinner time makes me thirsty. Plus it's not like anyone's counting my beers and are going to send me a DM on Facebook with the number to AA in it...are they?


Dessert - The dinner is done and either the laughter has continued and the stories along with them or you're looking at the clock as it feels like it's started going backwards. You deserve a treat either way, time for some dark beers.


Innocente Brewing Charcoal Porter - ($4.35/500ml) - The moment your pour this, someone will ask you if it's Guinness. Sigh.

Collective Arts Stranger Than Fiction - ($3.25/473ml) - The ever changing art on your CA cans catches the eye of your quiet nephew and he saunters over to talk about art, life and why you're his favourite family member.

Clifford Brewing Porter - ($2.95/473ml) - Another can that harkens back to a simpler time...but don't let Grandpa get started about how things all changed when woman started wearing pants. We're trying to have a nice family moment Robert.

Hockley Brewing Dark - ($2.75/473ml) - Because you like living where you do and yes you know about the weird people that live in that part of town...you're one of them.

After the dishes are done - Now we can all relax in the den or family room and tell stories about days gone by. This is a good time to break out a stout, slow sipping while you either follow along or inch your way toward the door after calling a cab while everyone thought you were going to the bathroom. If you're making a break for it, this is the only time I suggest perhaps a little crusher instead so you can chug it as you mumble your goodbyes.

Sawdust City Brewing Skinny Dippin' Stout - ($3.25/473ml) - It looks black as night and prompts your aunt's new friend who seems a little too into you and does that weird hand on yours every time he talks to you to try and discuss that time he went to England and how you should totally come over and see his glass collection. WTF Linda?

Muskoka Brewery Shinnicked Stout - ($3.25/473ml) - "Yes the guy on the can is cold Nana. No I don't think he died, they probably got him a sweater or something. I don't know what kids are thinking these days."

Walkerville Brewing Easy Stout - ($2.95/473ml) - Time for the easy questions of the night. "Why no, we haven't thought of adopting, what a great idea."

Beau's All Natural Brewing Tom Green Cherry Milk Stout - ($5.45/600ml) - This should spark a conversation about your sister's husband's Gambling problem, terrible movies your dad likes or why you just have to drink so much every time you come to a family event. Either way, delicious.


Home - It's late and you're tired, full and perhaps even a little tipsy. Have some water and hit the hay if that's the case. But if you want to have just one more, I'm thinking its time to go to the cellar or fridge and break out something special. You survived/enjoyed another family event and there's only 77 days till Christmas!


Happy Polksgiving everyone!


Cheers!


Polk