Back again...2023

 

Hey.

So it's been a while since I've been able to sit down and write beyond some nonsense beer stuff on Instagram or Twitter and as this new year dawns and that big 5-0 is just around the corner in March, I wanted to try and get back to this long form expression of whatever happens to be in my head on any given day. I want to set a goal of spending at least an hour a day writing, subject doesn't matter, just the words, and while I have no doubt there will be days when not much will come out, I feel like my abandonment of taking the time to coalesce my thoughts in one place has left me in a far worse space than before. It always made me happy to spend time sharing things about beer and life in general for anyone who wanted to peek in at one old man's world.

  Having said that, 2022 was not the best of times scenario in a lot of ways, but it came to be crystal clear as Christmas rolled around and I had absolutely zero spirit for a season I used to love with reckless abandon. I have little doubt that without the presence of social media there would have been no decorations in our house at all and as I took down what I dubbed "Christmas Corner" in the basement, I reflected on why I had fallen so out of sync with my family and friends as this year went on. I feel a disconnect with the world around me, beer and real, time feels faster and as I feel the decades weigh in, I wonder what the purpose of everything has been. Traditions, legends and tales of those who came before me still resonate in my mind, I revere the people who helped shape me and wonder how I can honour them when I feel like my mark on this world ends with my own demise. I've written before about not having kids, but as 50 approaches and my peers raise their kids and some even have become grandparents, I feel left out, but only because I have made myself feel that way. It is a most disconcerting way to live.

But...

I am still standing. I have a will to see what comes next for me and those I love. I want to watch the kids I know grow up and experience all life has to offer and I want to be better at being there and present for everyone who is important to me. I feel isolated, but only because I have become really good at doing it, but I am lifted up by the people who continue to push aside my defiance and love me in spite of myself. They persist where so many got tired and moved on, good people pushed too far and lost to me forever. My memories of who I was haunt me in my weakest moments and I miss that guy with all my heart. 

  My question to myself is can I find me again? Can I shake off a decade of dwindling confidence and depression to shape what I hope is at least the final third of my life?  Let's face it, there's no way this drunk is seeing 100...but I'm still hoping to at least getting to retire for a few years before hitting that Dive Bar in Hell...

I know this post is disjointed, meandering and weird...but I am all of those things every damn day and I hope I can come back and give a little hope and happiness, some deep looks and light and dark moments to bring truth and real life to you all in the coming 12 months. 

  If you're still here, Thank You.

I have some adventures planned this year, some heavy opinions to give and so many great beers to share with you all. I'm not done yet, I've been on pause and I'm ready to hit the play button again...

Thank you for believing in me, for keeping me going and for never letting me go...

This life is not over yet...

Polk, 01/01/23