I'll Never be a Dad

The last couple of weeks have seen me falling a little off the Polkaroo wagon with some over consuming and a return to the old days on two occasions. I was flummoxed by this sort of behaviour because I have been so in control and present with my beer that I thought I had left those days behind for good. I have been wracking my brain for the last fourteen days trying to come up with an answer and it struck me hard today at work. Five words that sum up what I've been running from...

I'll never be a dad.

That's not a huge sentence but it is a big burden that I've been allowing to fester on my soul for the last few months and keeping it to myself as there is a no more avoided topic than a couples infertility. It's not something you talk about that often and after seven years of throwing thousands of dollars at the problem and watching Kat struggle every month when she didn't become pregnant, I am emotionally spent and tired of the entire process.

Our family is filled with children of all ages and as our nieces and nephews all head farther along their paths in life we lose a little more contact with the time in our lives when a child would seem probable. The youngest of them prepare to head off to high school and we watch proudly, but from a distance as our brothers and sisters begin to loosen the reigns and send their pride and joy into the wider world. Their success at being parents has inspired us and the fact that we cannot emulate them and share in the happiness that is children weighs us down.

When you are childless, well meaning but ultimately devasting things are said in your presence, I've heard the phrase, "You're life isn't complete without kids.", more times than I can count and I can assure you that while I love to watch the kids in my family grow and share in the fun that you have, our lack of funds to try and become parents does not negate our existence. Our experience at the hands of sympathetic nurses and doctors does nothing to soothe the simple fact that we have not been able to conceive and for some people that makes our lives poorer as a result.

I am sure that a child would enhance our lives and make it even better than it is now, but I don't want to feel like I am less of a person because we could not procreate. Our journey hasn't been conventional and a lot of the time we struggled to just make it paycheque to paycheque. The last year has seen a light return to my eyes and we have finally begun to experience all that life has to offer. Craft beer may be the catalyst that kicked off our own personal revolution, but it is in rediscovering ourselves that we truly began to realise how much our infertility had pushed our spirits into the ground. Together we help each other up, dust ourselves off and walk together toward a different future than we had planned.

I've always been told that men are not supposed to feel the pull of parenthood as strongly as women and I had no desire to burden Kat with my personal hell, so as Father's Day approached the other week, I turned once again to over consuming to hide my feelings. I know better and when it happened again this week, that was enough to spur all this. Keeping things bottled up inside helps no one and being able to talk to her and write this has opened my heart to moving forward once again. I would love nothing more than to come back here sometime in the future and write the words "I'm a dad!" over and over again, but that seems increasingly unlikely and I know now that my journey will take me somewhere I could not have imagined as I was growing up.

My Father is one of my heroes and I think the fact that I will not be able to emulate and honour him by being as good a dad as he was and is factored into my depression over our struggle. Watching our friends and family who are experiencing parenthood for the first time brings us some joy as well as a melancholic pull that our chances have slimmed and perhaps life has other things planned for us. Having said that, we are excited about the future. Travelling, chasing a dream or two and probably things we can't even imagine now will come as they may. I can no longer live in the desperate silence of struggling to have a child, but I also don't accept that my personal sense of self should suffer because of that problem. Being part of a couple that struggles with infertility means caring for the other person even though there is nothing you can do to help. Our only choice is to embrace what our lives truly are and not wallow in what cannot be. I know our future will have meaning and it will be a blast to hold Kathryn's hand as we discover just what that will be.

Cheers!

Together, our future is bright!

Craft Beer is my Mixtape and #BeerSaint

Do you remember mix tapes? Agonizing over the song selection, hoping to craft a perfect sonic progression to illustrate your mood, love or other drug. Whether it was made for that person who you wanted to pledge your undying youthful love to or a pal who you just needed to share the latest find from your favourite band, the mix tape was a way to communicate without having to say anything yourself. I miss those days but I still have oh so many of mine around here and once and a while, Mrs. Polkaroo and I will dance and laugh at the songs we used to love. My word I was a sappy guy when I was young. So many power ballads...

For even me, those days are long past and it was when I started to make gifts of beer and receive them myself that I was struck by how similar it made me feel. When I visit breweries in search of new beer, I often get a few extras for people I know. Mostly styles I know they like and sometimes stuff that I want them to try, perhaps for the first time. Crafting a mixtape took me to places in my mind that helped me express myself and I am now engaging in that same feeling when shipping beers out to long distance friends or opening the beer fridge in the Grotto to grab a pint or two for someone closer to home.
What this all means is the Gift of beer is far more than just a generous thing to do for someone, it is an expression of who you are and what you want to say to that person. Maybe it's not a three chord acoustic riff that says it, but this Bellwoods limited edition beer we're sharing means I care about you and want you to be happy. I don't think I am alone in this. We all like to make the people we cherish feel special and I like to do that with a Craft Beer.

 I know I am an emotional guy when it comes to my beer, but when my Uncle Jerry wanted to stop in to try some craft beer, it made my heart sing. He's a Corona guy, so I picked beers for him to try that would showcase a bunch of flavours that wouldn't scare him away from trying some in the future. Descendant's El Buscador, Side Launch Dark Lager and Muskoka Summerweiss were just a few that I shared with him and my Dad on that warm Saturday evening. They both found something new they liked and when Uncle Jerry brought out his guitar, I knew I had done some good. It is in the gift of beer that we can express ourselves and help show our friends and family how we feel about them without saying a thing.

Summer hasn't started and this is already a high point.

Thank you Jerry!

The end game for me is, as always, to improve my relationships with people, release the darkness I carried for so long and enjoy a pint or two without losing my head. Sharing beer is all about bringing people together and creating memories that will last forever in your heart.

Steve from Craft Beer and Bacon
saved mine with this #beersaint
moment at Bar Volo

Going forward I will be tagging anyone who gives me this wonderful gift of beer, be it a pint at a bar, a beer from their fridge or some unexpected surprise in the mail or when we meet up with the hashtag #beersaint. I chose that because they really do bring something heavenly to my life with these lovely gifts. I encourage you to use #beersaint to celebrate your friends who do this as well and perhaps we can start a movement that will bring the joy of well made, delicious Craft beer to everyone we meet.

Cheers!

Raise you glass and your standards, one beer at a time!
Share the love, #beersaint someone you think deserves thanks today!

Mrs. Polkaroo is my #beersaint every day

Keltic Devil sent me an East Coast
#beersaint package

Paul the Beer Guy became a #beersaint with this beauty from Manantler

The Big Canuck bought me a Pint for his #beersaint moment

My #beersaint share with The Big Canuck

Perfect Life? No...Even Better, Our Life!

A little while ago someone commented on one of my Instagram photos that my life was perfect. I've had other people tell me they love my posts about my life and how much fun it seems I am having. It's a weird thing to hear and something I didn't think too much about until the last week or so. If you follow all the other places I ramble on about my life, you'll know we had a few events last weekend that really illustrated how much Craft beer has changed my life.

On Friday we went to a All You Can Eat Lobster and Rib fest after I won a ticket from Waterloo Brewpub Abe-Erb. The Rotary club did a great job in planning and our dinner featured some fine beer in addition to the piles of food. As we finished, I turned to Mrs. Polkaroo and told her that Descendant's Brewery was only 10 minutes away. She loved the idea and off we went for a flight and a pint. When we sat down at our table, we joined a couple who were already there and started to talk about our adventures. It turned out that they were Brewmaster and founder of Descendant's Robins' parents. A lively hour or so of exchanging stories and tasting some great beer took our night up a notch. The things that happen when you simply say hello and open yourself up to conversation never cease to amaze me.

Winner, winner, lobster dinner!

3rd lobster of the night

Flights at Descendant's

I could get used to this view!

Saturday found us climbing onboard the Toronto Craft Beer Cruise with our friends Joan and Steven for a 3 hour jaunt around the water with that beautiful skyline as our backdrop. 10 amazing Ontario Craft brewers were aboard with more than double that in offerings and we cast off with hope in our hearts. The weather was outstanding and as I sampled my way around the boat, ran into more beer friends and hung out with the Mrs. it occurred to me that the life I have is indeed very sweet. Brimstone Brewing and their Sinister Minster IPA were my beer of the boat and I had a great time sharing some of my journey with them as I enjoyed more than one sample of this balanced IPA. Running into Jeff and Susan from Muddy York probably was the highlight of my night though (forgot to get a picture...next time). When we visited the brewery in March for Polkapolooza, Kat and I were blown away by Jeff's personality and enthusiasm. Not much has changed since then and he and Susan took the time to talk homebrewing, life and the changing landscape of craft beer in multiple visits to their station. Mrs. Polkaroo is not a craft beer gal, but she absolutely loved the Helles Lager from Muddy York and we both can't wait to go visit and see all that has been happening with one of our favourite breweries. Thank you for always having time for us guys. Seriously, if I lived closer I would no doubt be making multiple trips a week for beer and conversation.

Cruisin' with my favourite person!

Beer of the boat



Beer of the boat! Sinister Minister from Brimstone!



Pretty lady on the boat!

 A year ago I couldn't imagine spending a night in Toronto on a cruise with such a diverse group of people and beer when I was still pounding macro lagers and wasting my nights. The times they are changing indeed.
 I'm not a bar guy anymore but couldn't pass up the chance to hit up legendary Craft Beer spot Bar Volo and it was there that I faced the toughest decision of my life, their tap list. It was intimidatingly huge and for a guy who has had a fair amount of beer, I had only had 2 or 3 of their 30 plus offerings. Luckily Steve grabbed me a Jelly King from Bellwoods Brewery and helped end the stalemate or I am sure I would still be standing there trying to decide. We laughed, ate and drank till the wee hours before heading home and a day off on Sunday.

Is this heaven? Close enough.

This smile never left my face!

When morning dawned and I finished my coffee waiting for Kat to wake up, I decided we should go visit my beer friend Adam up in Guelph to drop off the Grandma's Boy from Bellwoods I had picked him up the week before. After finally getting to meet face to face and have a few minutes of planning something for the future, we made another decision that perhaps shows why we may look a little crazy to our friends and family. I had loved Jelly King so much that I needed some more in my life, so off we went to Toronto for the second day in a row and yet another trip to the red bell on Ossington.
A quick stop was all I had time for but we did managed to grab a bunch of old faves and some new stuff that was put away for later in the week. Once again I had noticed a stop I wanted to make before heading home and despite a timeline that included our nieces' 16th birthday party, Kat was agreeable and we popped in for a flight at one of the newest brewpubs in Ontario, Bandit Brewing. Gorgeous and very cool looking with perhaps the most coveted glassware in the city, I grabbed four samples with the White IPA being the standout and a promise to return for a more thorough "investigation" and perhaps a pint or three.

Flights are my joy!

That logo is a keeper. just don't steal the glass!

Making my way back to work Monday found me in a wondrous mood and while many people find my Relentless happiness difficult to believe, I persist in trying to find the positive in the everyday. The weekend had fuelled my heart to accept more joy and the work week floated by in the best of ways to find us last night (Wednesday) having a small BBQ dinner and thinking of what to do with a night off with no work for either of us the next day. We had heard of a delicious little ice cream spot from Joan called Bang Bang and who doesn't want dessert, even if its an hour away. Coincidentally located nearby was Bellwoods and off we went. Bang Bang is small but mighty in the ways of flavour. Their wall of choices was a huge hit with Kat and we sat just outside the bustling spot on a chilly June evening marvelling at our treats.


Lots of choice here...wow!

My choice...What? Too obvious?

Someone was super happy!

A short walk brought us to my destination of choice for beer and we again decided to sit down for a spell and soak in the atmosphere. Their patio is buzzing almost every time I go and we each grabbed a drink, Jelly King (of course) for me and a West Avenue Cider with cherries and Brett yeast for her. Funky, sour and refreshing, it was a shame we could only have one. Our service was outstanding and attentive, spot on staff. We ordered a plate of crispy fries and enjoyed the vibe as the sun set on the city.

My happy place!

That Bell signals something special here

I was alerted by a friend on Twitter that Henderson Brewing was only a few minutes away and since they were open for a little while longer, made another surprise stop. Big space, more great people and beer I am excited to try made this one a hit in my books. I perhaps bought a growler of their Blonde Ale, but that's another story.

New to me and another cool spot for good Craft beer!

 These things keep happening and each time I marvel at how far my life has come since wallowing in self pity, drunkenness and depression only a short time ago. I know it seems that we do nothing but drink beer but to be honest, Craft Beer and the people and places that make it are only the catalyst to drive us out of our comfort zone and into the world. We use visits to breweries to explore Ontario and beyond with some real exciting things planned for later in the summer. It has become less about the drinking and more about finding neat things to do and see in the course of our travels. I am comfortable with what we have accomplished so far and excited for this new chapter in our lives.
So while my life is far from perfect and I have bad days like everyone else, I think the fact that we actively pursue being happy as a goal and don't sit around complaining about how unfair life can be makes a difference. We all have bumps in the road, but that's no reason to hide from the world. Get out and do something you love, push those negative thoughts out of the way and try to embrace all the good that is out there. I know my life is getting so much better every day because of it and yours can be too.
As always, beer isn't the reason for my happiness, but it helps to have some to celebrate all your accomplishments, big and small.
Raise your glass and your standards, one beer at a time.
Cheers!