21 January 2019

The Polk, Myself and I

  There are three of us living here. Polk, who lives life through beer. Robert, who works 50+ hours a week to provide for this family and Rob, who is rarely seen and never heard from outside of this house.
  I am not suffering a break down or losing my mind, as it were, but rather looking at how compartmentalized my life has become in the last few years. I spent the majority of my adult years wandering through life with little direction, lurching from disaster to disaster and drowning my sorrows nightly in copious amounts of terrible beer and liquor. Things have changed for the better in the last few years but my struggle with alcohol, depression and life in general have only morphed and become more confusing.
  For most of my life I have been the good time guy, the party dude. I was the one planning and hosting bashes and family events, bringing people together and generally floating through life without much self reflection. My ability to close of parts of my life from others was reflected in my not caring if I was on the slow road to self destruction even as the walls came down around me. I fiddled while my personal Rome burned and it almost consumed me along with it.
  It wasn't that I didn't care, I am a reasonably intelligent guy and I watched, almost detached, as I careened down a path I didn't want to choose but was drawn to nonetheless. Catching a branch on that hill, craft beer became my hand up, my way out and I scrambled to find my footing as it slowly became more and more who I was. In a positive way, it changed the way I looked at my beer and after a little over 2 years, I have left the darkness behind...I hope.
  Getting back to the original inspiration for this post, my life has begun to feel even more and more like I am living 3 different lives in 1.  When we go to work, we try to put our best self forward. For me it is working with the public and having people I am responsible for that has me putting on that mask every morning and bing the most positive and cheerful fellow you know. I emphasize the bright side in all things and work very hard to make sure that I help bring that kind of energy to my interactions with everyone I meet. I do not allow myself to have a bad day and any negativity must be swept away with humour and a smile. Always the good guy, the day can weigh heavy but when someone is paying you to do a job, that shouldn't matter. Working in an ultra competitive industry with constant pressure to be better, sell more and keep the standards high has it`s pressures but that is Robert`s problem and where we leave them when closing time hits.
  Coming home leaves me only a few minutes to put everything away in my mind and move into my self for a while. I worry, I vent, I get angry and I let it go. As with the early morning hours before a shift, Rob spends that brief time trying to convince himself that life will be okay, that he can go to work, that the world will not collapse about his ears every single day. He is naturally pessimistic and this is why I spend as little time as possible in this state. It isn't like I switch them on and off but by focusing my energy in a specific direction, I can make that doubting, sad man disappear for a while.
  Polk is an easy going guy, most of the time. Occasional Twitter rants aside, I maintain a very happy go lucky attitude that looks for the best in people and does it genuinely. I always feel like this is me at my best and strive to put that me out there. Different from work me because there it can be forced and strained to keep my cool, while inside my little world of Polk, I`m actually happy.
  Craft beer helped me find something inside myself I didn't know existed and while I try to keep that kind of attitude all the time, being that guy can be just as draining as work Robert.
  Balance in all things is what I seek and while this may be a little tongue in cheek, it feels very real sometimes. But as a way to deal with what life can throw at me and still find some joy after a lifetime of making mistakes, it works and that is what really matters.



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