One thing sobriety has taught me is that I am an angry man. Not that I wasn't before, but the booze would give me a sort of freedom to say the crazy shit in my head out loud and at least then, I would figure, the truth would be out there. The problem, of course, is that sometimes that truth was little more than vitriol dressed up in a whiskey bottle and thrown out into the fire. I was never a violent man physically, but I know I could hurt people even more with the words I chose and how I chose t spin those words into my own narrative of the truth. 

  Coming round on a year of being sober, I find myself still having some angry moments that can cause me to shut down into myself, but I do not lash out at those around me in a vain attempt to alleviate my own pain. I process the feelings I have now in a much calmer way, but I do sometimes dwell on things for a longer time as I don't have the 6 pack of freedom to rely on anymore. I'm more honest, but I'm also more afraid of what that honesty entails. I wonder if I'll ever find happiness again somedays when the darkness lurks behind me, but then I find a bright light to climb up to and begin again.

  Perhaps the next step will be finding some help to process the things I've done and said for the last 5 decades plus that cause me to feel this way. I've heard it said that everyone could use some therapy at some time in their lives and I guess that probably includes me. I'll let you know how it goes...

Polk

9-15-25