308.2 Pounds

That's what the scale I keep hidden in my office tells me that I weigh.




I am not okay with this.




  I've always been the "Fat Guy". The jolly, looking for a good time kind of person who indulges himself at every whim and leaves nothing to the imagination when it comes to giving into his cravings. I eat and drink what I want, when I want and that has always been the way I live my life. I used to joke that I wanted to be like Homer in that episode of the Simpsons when he tried to weigh 300 pounds so he could work from home, but never thought I would get that far gone. Apparently I am willing to let myself go to that extreme and I am not shy about saying I am appalled at what I've become.
  It's not just that I have put on close to 40 pounds in just 2 years, it's that I watched it happen and did nothing to stop it. I eat late at night, drink a little too much, too often and am sedentary to the point of furniture. I can feel my clothes getting tighter and my breathe a little harder to catch. I know I stress eat and when the hours I work increase or my own personal anxiety goes up, I turn not to people but to the one thing I can trust not to judge me and that I alone control, my food and drink. It is usually funny to share the pictures of my 8 hot dog dinner, but I don't always share the whole bag of Doritios and crackers and cheese I would eat later that night. I laugh off the concern of those who think I am headed for a heart attack with my humour and toss a few fat jokes at myself to deflect the conversation away from it. I feel the pain of trying to make those pants fit and knowing that my shirt is too tight every single morning and am relieved when I get home and can slid into my sweats for the night. It's not that I don't understand nutrition and exercise, on the contrary, most overweight people are intimately versed in how to lose weight and live healthier.  It pervades our thoughts perhaps more than healthy people. We yearn to do it, but often are not willing or are just unable to change or make it happen.
 I wrote about being okay with who I was last year (read it here), but even then I was struggling with myself. I kept working on being body positive and not caring about what other people think. I still believe that. Screw anyone who tells you how to live your life or makes you feel bad, but I am not giving in to anyone else's pressure but my own. There is something wrong with how I am living my life and I am beginning to feel that on a very real level.
  When I finished recording every beer I drank in May (150 - The real truth in May), I was trying to be okay with it, but inside it was tearing me up. I have been an advocate of mindful and responsible consumption and the impact craft beer has had on my life and then I was supposed to be okay with averaging 5 beers a day? I made a concerted effort after that to reign in my impulsive and destructive multiple beer nights and have done myself proud on that front, cutting down to less than 100 in June and am on pace for around 50 in July. I don't know where I need to be with this but I am trying.
 Beer is not alone in my spiral downward, food has become the dark yet warmly embracing place I find my comfort. Long days, stress and a lonely life built on my inability to seek help for my anxiety means I look to anything else to bring me a sliver of joy. While talking about and sharing my love for beer gives me some online human interaction, financial and work reasons coupled with an often crippling level of anxious and angry feelings leave me looking for a way to feel good when the likes stop coming. When everyone else looks to spend time with their families, food provides that comfort to me. Lots of salty snacks, late night binges and multiple trips to the cupboard have left me full of calories but empty of emotions. I don't eat for pleasure, I eat to survive and then to fill whatever emptiness remains. I've always had a complicated relationship with food but never to the extent where I am now, beholden to a bag of chips for happiness. I lurch from the couch to the bed, sleep fitfully for 4 or 5 hours and then go through the workday with my eyes on repeating the minimalist lifestyle I've created.  I am thrown into a spiral if there is any deviation from my quiet and lonely plans. I see people joke about not wanting to see others and put what I am sure are supposed to be funny memes on social media about how they hate people and want to be alone. Of course it's all just in good fun because they wouldn't want to actually be alone all the time, the weight of that silence would crush them. I have retreated into a world of my own making and while I do love the odd event we get to attend, it is becoming harder and harder to leave the house for anything but work. I talk myself into it every morning because I need money to live and a man does what he has to provide for his family. But because my job involves working with the public, I must always maintain a positive and cheery attitude and when that work day is done, I usually have nothing left in the tank for anyone else. I can literally not speak for hours after work in real life, despite a lively online presence. I know it is of my own doing and that only deepens the spiral.
 That scale reading was far beyond a wake up call and now I know I have to do something, anything to restart the passion I once had and try to now instill in other people. I want to feel better about myself and despite my own protestations to the contrary, my weight is impacting my ability to function as a human being and is dragging me into a dark place I am not ready to go. So I will not do what I always do and I will ask for help. I will talk to the professionals who are there for me and have the ability and knowledge to give me hope and guidance. I will admit that I don't know what the hell I am doing and seek those who do. I don't hate myself but I am feeling like I don't even know who I am anymore and want to prevent that from happening. I will, as always, share this journey with you and try to use it to inspire others who are suffering in silence to seek help and a better way before it's too late.
  We are not alone and I know how hard it is to reach out and say you need help. But it is okay to admit your weaknesses and ask someone for their hand to lift you up or their shoulder to cry on. Trust someone, anyone and seek out answers for yourself. I always sort of knew this day would come and I am glad I can still stand up and try to make it better. Life is about the journey and I don't want mine to be over just yet.


Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me as I write about not only beer, but real life and the things that make it mine. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. I will keep you posted as this detour takes me to a place I've never been.


Cheers.


Polk

Budget Life

Drinking good beer on a budget isn't always easy and when you are a guy who loves to try new and different ones all the time, it can get downright difficult. I will admit this is a very first world problem and do not wish to diminish the struggles myself or anyone else has in their life when it comes to money and survival but this isn't about that, it is about how I spend what money I budget and still enjoy many different beers.
 Contrary to popular belief, I don't receive much in the way of free beer. I have had the occasional brewery send me a beer or two, sometimes it is people who I have met online or in real life that give the gift of beer to me. But that isn't a weekly or even monthly occurrence and while I treasure anything someone sends me, I don't rely on the largesse of others to explore beer. I buy the majority of what you see me consume either at the breweries themselves or the LCBO. It pains me sometimes to receive a beer saint gift because at the end of the day, I don't have the means to return the favour, no matter how much I want to.

Last year's Tabernac Craft Beer haul from my Eastern Beer Saint friends

  Years of poor financial decisions left me almost broken and with a very bleak future staring me in the face. For far too long, I spent money on what I wanted and damn the bills. Even repeated warnings, final warnings and actual disconnections didn't scare me, I just kept blindly throwing money everywhere without regard to anyone or thing. While I have documented how craft beer has helped me control my over indulgent lifestyle, I rarely touch upon how it has changed my life when it comes to money. In order to try so many new beers and make sure the bills are paid, I had to do something most people do automatically, make a budget. But not just any pre fab program or idea would work and it took a few years of trial and error, slip ups and mistakes to finally arrive at a workable plan that has me less worried about the hydro bill and more concerned with living my life.

Issues man...

  To achieve this I had to get myself back to even on all my bills and then plan out the entire year, with some flexibility for emergencies, to make sure the utilities, mortgage, and other necessary things were always up to date and even a little ahead. I tracked years back on the bills and laid out a reasonable bi weekly amount that went to each and every one of them. Looking at an entire year of Hydro bills, for example, led me to see that $130 a pay to them meant I would always be in the black when the bill came due without wondering how I would be able to pay the entire thing. I did this with all the bills and began every payday with a few moments reviewing and then paying a certain amount to each bill. It was scary at first because my bank account would dwindle so fast but the money left was truly ours to spend and not borrowing from stuff that really needed to come first. I am still digging my way out of my poor decisions in the past but the light at the end of the tunnel is just over a year away and I am chugging along with the plan that has got me this far.

It was cheap and got me drunk, not my best choice.

 For the most part, I only buy 1 or 2 of any new beer that I find. Would I like to have 6 or 10 to try and then share/trade with my beer pals? Of course, but with a very limited budget, I had to make choices that respect the course I have found to bring me back to where I need to be. So I keep track of who has sent me something and when there is a little room in the budget, I try to return the favour. But I am indebted to those folks who just send Beer Saint gifts with no demand for a return, your karma is growing and one day I will show my thanks properly. The beer fridge is mostly full of whatever is new at the LCBO or the odd trip to a brewery, stuff friends give me and the rare thing sent from a brewery themselves. I am so lucky to get things from my friends in the industry and believe me I know how awesome any beer mail can be. So a big thank you to anyone who does this wonderfully thoughtful thing and I acknowledge my debt to you.

Durham Beer Saints Bottle share

  Respecting my budget and buying new beers leaves me with some cash left for a few favourites and regular craft beers to have when I just want a beer. These are usually purchased at the Liquor store and given that my free time is limited, like most people, that's where I am forced to do most of my shopping. Grocery stores are getting better with their craft offerings and as they see the sales and demand grow, hopefully it will continue to expand their selections. There is little doubt in my mind that without my turn to better beer, I would still be living paycheque to 4 days before paycheque and I will always continue to sing the praises of our local and not so local craft brewers for all the good they have brought into my life. I choose my regular beers based on knowing their quality, cost and what style I am feeling. There are many options for all price ranges and stuff like Great Lakes Canuck Pale or Collective Arts Ransack the Universe still provide the most bang for your buck and deliver great flavour. Look around at your local LCBO and breweries, they are sure to have something to fit your budget and taste. I have learned to let go of not being able to get every release I want. Given the sheer amount of breweries in Ontario that is a good approach because there is no way I could afford to buy every beer that comes out. Even when it comes to the ones that I really do want when I see them posted on social media, I remind myself that what is important is to contribute what I can to the cause and be joyful that my fridge has so many amazing things already. I wish I had an unlimited budget and the time to get the beer I want, but I have finally come to a point in my life when I accept what is and embrace what I have. I have learned to appreciate what is in my glass without worrying about what is in someone else's. I hope to be able to keep sharing when I can afford it and when the tide of my life has fully turned for the good, I will make it my mission to do more. Keep sharing and let's never doubt that this community is pretty damn amazing.

Raise your glass and your standards,
One Beer at a time.

Cheers!
Polk

 

Avoid Fridge Gridlock - Drink your Beer!

  

Choices, Choices...

Have you looked in your fridge lately? Your beer cellar or closet? Taken stock of what you have, when you acquired it and more importantly, when you plan on drinking it? So many of us tend to want to hang onto a beer because we only have one or two of them and with the exception of those beers actually designed to be aged, this madness must stop. I am not great when it comes to cellaring my beer because for the most part, I buy them to try them. I understand that Imperial Stouts and Brett laden beers will change and even improve with time spent waiting but I think sometimes we are focusing too much on the hoarding and having and less on the drinking and enjoying. I was having this discussion with a few friends the other day and it struck me as odd that we used to make sure we had enough cold beer in the fridge as opposed to buying 10 of something to age it and save it for later. When did the exclusivity and difficulty in acquiring a beer or simply having a dozen of one of them take away from the fun of drinking it?
  I am as guilty as the next beer lover of wanting that latest release from the darling craft brewer of the day. Only 600 bottles you say? Oh baby, I want some of that. But as I have spent more time trying and enjoying beers from all over the world, it has occurred to me that, with very few exceptions, I want to drink them now. What good is a fridge full of IPAs if I am unable to enjoy them fresh? Outside of those Imperial stouts or bottle conditioned beers, what am I really waiting for? Most beer has a shelf life based on how it was produced, the style and how it has been stored. If a beer is to be aged, usually the brewery will either do it themselves or let you know it can be saved for a later date. But the vast majority of beer we are buying at the stores or breweries is meant to be consumed fresh. No preservatives or additives means Craft beer is susceptible to the ravages of time and temperature so to age them makes no sense.
  Creating what I call 'Fridge Gridlock' is a serious problem for many people I know and the only way to resolve it is to drink the beer as you buy it. We all too often go rushing out to buy this or that must have new release and then repeat that behaviour a few days later when the next brewery announces their special, limited edition bottle. While I am also guilty of wanting all the beer I can get my hands on, this means I encounter Fridge Gridlock as I pile more and more beer into my fridge. Without proper FIFO (First in, First Out) management of my stock, some beers that should be consumed immediately get shoved to the back, only to reappear months later when cleaning or attempting to re-organize. It is important to move the newest beers to the back, rotate the older ones forward and then drink your way through. Not to say you shouldn't drink a new beer the day you get it, but if you have more than one, make sure you are not trapping older beers behind your 3 cans of the newest IPA.
  Having said that, I make it a point to drink most of my IPAs as fresh as I can, moving them to one side of the fridge and creating a zone for as many other styles. Lagers, ales and other longer lasting (flavour wise, anyway) styles can wait a while and I can generally work them into my rotation a little easier. Mood can determine your beer a lot of the time, as well as availability and time of the year. But to relegate beers to the back of the fridge because you bought too many and want to move on means maybe you should plan better or perhaps Beer Saint some of those out to friends to make room for more. I work on a pretty strict budget right now and with few exceptions only can buy one or two of the latest releases to go with my regular brews. I don't often buy cases of anything and have learnt that less is indeed more when it comes to choosing a beer every night.

I occasionally go a little overboard.

 Fridge Gridlock is not only about losing track of what is in there, it is also that weird paralysis that can come from having too many choices. I have had many times where I stare at the shelves unable to choose and walk away until I can decide. If the fridge is so jammed that you can't even see everything you have or your styles are all mixed up, this problem can be even more pronounced. A lucky few who only like one or two styles can avoid this problem but for most of us, organization is the key.
  I have been refining my fridge skills for a few years and despite many setbacks due to my own occasional self indulgence. I have found a  good way to keep Fridge Gridlock from taking over and leaving me with beer that is less than optimal. Some of my strategies are :

1. Keep rotating - As said before, first in-first out makes a huge difference.
2. Don't overbuy - Unless you are trading or beer sainting, why have 10 of anything that is just going to get pushed to the back of the fridge. Buy what you will drink and enjoy fresh.
3. Create Style Zones - If you're lucky enough to have the space, try to keep your beer separated by style and date bought. I try to keep the different types to different sides and shelves with some overlap (i.e. dark lagers near lagers; porters and stouts together). Regular go-to beers tend to go in the door, with the one offs or seasonals up front on the shelves to remind me to drink them first.
4. Cellar beers - I keep a list of what I have and when it went in. If you love to do verticals (many different years of the same beer) make a space for that particular one. Have an idea when you want to pull them out as not everything will get better more than a few years out. Keep them at a constant cool temp and resist the urge to look at them if you want to wait. Unseen is best until the right time.
5. Be Reasonable - Unless you pound beers every day, do you really need 60 beers at a time in your fridge? Buy when you can, stay on budget and keep your fridge clean.
6. Enjoy what you have - Don't let every new release make you buy more than you can drink. It is normal to want every beer you see but it is better to focus on what you have in front of you than to worry about all the others. Savour the tasty beers you have and create space for new ones at the same time.
7. Be a Beer Saint - Make room and have a great time by sharing your spoils with friends and family. It will help clean up your fridge and make you feel good about doing it.

  Know yourself and be true to what you enjoy drinking. Keep that beer flowing and don't let Fridge Gridlock take over your life. Drink your damn beer!


  Raise your glass and your standards,
  One beer at a time!


  Cheers!


  Polk